:: Sotong Out Of Water ::

Christmas Season... Again!!

2008-12-14T20:17:00.002+08:00

It is that time of the year again.. I'm talking about Christmas! Every December we celebrate this thing call Christmas but every year it seemed like the Christmas spirit is slowly fading away. Or maybe it is just me. I have not been in caroling for more than 5 years now if I'm not mistaken. So this year I decided to drag myself back into the carols. Sometimes, I really wonder what if I'm not a Christian and what if I don't celebrate Christmas... will I be the guy looking into the window of a house with a Christmas tree and wonder how it feels like to be celebrating one of the most celebrated events in the world? Or will I say, "Bah! Humbug!" and move on with my jolly life?

Well I guess I will never know because I love Christmas.. and I love all my family and friends although some people don't get what Christmas is all about... ^^

HAVE A VERY BLESSED CHRISTMAS THIS 25TH DEC 08 YA'LL~!!

Stalked By A Stranger...

2008-06-16T00:06:00.002+08:00

I was out to meet a friend last Friday in Starbucks and found myself being stalked by this middle aged guy. He then walked to our table and started talking to me on how I was being rude by the way that I walked passed him on the escalator. After he left, both me and my friend just stared at each other and started laughing our head off. One of the Starbucks workers later came and told us not to take heed of that guy because he is mentally unstable. Which would made things even funnier and we laughed even louder still.

The fact that I was stalked by an insane middle aged man just so he can tell me how unhappy he was about how I walked passed him at the escalator is something I find really amusing.

Engrrish As It Was Spoken

2008-06-15T22:59:00.000+08:00

Was out today with two of my friends and yeah that was how they were talking for about half an hour. I swear I couldn't understand more than half of what they conversed!! Culture shock in my own home country... never thought that would ever happen.

Cannot Sleep

2008-06-15T02:41:00.005+08:00

Been trying to sleep and failing.. I can't believe that I can be so affected by ONE person. Maybe it's because I really cannot stand the idea of having someone being angry at me over a small issue for weeks now. A woman's fury is a terrible thing.. *shudders* Hoping for a sudden turn of events.. ah well.. *goes back to staring at the ceiling*

Introducing... SOTONG!!

2008-06-14T13:54:00.005+08:00

A New Beginning... Coming Soon...

2008-06-10T13:51:00.002+08:00

Judging Myself

2008-05-26T18:30:00.003+08:00

I don't normally judge people although I tend to tell what kind of character or personality one has (without having a final say in things that would discriminate or show any hints of looking down upon them). It's just something I can see in people most of the time (and I think most of everyone can and will be able to do that if they don't already). However, very recently I find myself judging the one person I never thought I would - myself. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but what I saw... I didn't exactly like. I know there are certain things I can do and I know exactly what they are. And I find it really hard to pick myself up and get moving... I'm not sure if I'm plain lazy or I just don't find the interest to do it. I believe it's the latter though because if I'm lazy I wouldn't do certain things so diligently regardless of how many hours I have to spend in completing it.

I will NOT deny the fact that I have lost touch to my surroundings and the environment around me. I do NOT enjoy doing many things that I normally do in the past and I have no idea what could have caused this change in me. I felt that I have lost something that I believed in for a long time and I am NOT sure if I can get it back. I have to be honest and say that I think that what I have lost is my trust and faith in God. I haven't been praying for quite a while nor read the bible. I don't know what to say to people around me what more do I have to say to God? I find myself staring into nothingness and spacing out a lot for no reason at all. And sometimes I wonder what in the world am I doing to help myself. The wise say that we have to first help ourselves before we begin to help others so why am I doing the opposite when I know that at the end of it the one who suffers is myself?

I have been deep in thought recently and I find that there are many things in the past that I haven't yet let go. I think and know that logically to move forward I have to let things go. But why couldn't I do it? I don't see the significance in holding on to the past anymore but still my fist is clenched so tight that my skin turned white. I want to let go but my hand wouldn't listen to what my mind says. Or is there something more that I have to do?

I also begin to question my ability to love. Do I actually love myself enough to do what I have to do? Or do I hate myself that much to destroy every little bit of me that existed? Whatever the answer is, I will know in a months time...

:: Self discovery often means self destruction at the end of it all ::

In Remembrance of A Cute Character

2008-05-21T15:53:00.004+08:00

About a week ago, my mom suddenly brought back a little thing - puppy. The little guy was dangerously at the sides of the road so my mom decided to take it back and bring it to PAWS the next day. However, it never got to PAWS. For a week it was running about in the house compound yapping once in a while with it's cute little voice at the cat and the little ant that crawls on the floor. It's about half the size of a fully grown cat. Yup! It's tiny!! Even the grass at my backyard is half the height of it (which is one reason why the little guy is so intimidated by grass!)

In the beginning it was rather weird having a cat and a dog running about in the house compound. And I didn't really have an attachment for it until the night it disappeared. I went frantically berserk at the sudden disappearance of the little guy. I look for it around the house three times. And drove out into the neighborhood in the middle of the night looking for a almost black little puppy about the size of a giant rat. The search ended in vain about 2 hours later. Tired I decided to call it a day.

It came back in the morning. Yapping away happily at everyone as we walked out the main door. I wasn't really bothered about what happened the night before but was curious to where it could've ran to. And so things went back to normal...

Or so I thought... this very morning (two days after the mysterious disappearance), I woke up to hear the news that the little guy had died. For a while, I stood there stunt and didn't know how exactly I should react. Questions came flooding into my head. How did it happened? Who's fault was it? What if I'd brought it to PAWS earlier? What if I made sure it had no way out of the house? Could it be prevented? It was then that it had hit me hard on the head. I MISSED MY OLD DOG! I had forgotten how much I love to play with my old dog in the gardens. How much I love it when it came looking for me at the middle of the night cause I was feeling lonely. How much I love it when it greets me when I came home from wherever.

I knew there was something about the puppy that was familiar. It's not that it's the same breed or the same size or the colour of it's coat that mattered. But the mischievous character that always seemed to make me either wonder if I should be angry or laugh at all the things it did. It reminded me of how jealous my old dog can be when there was another pet around. It reminded me of how much I miss having a furry friend follow me around everywhere I go. It reminded me of how much I have missed the outdoors. It made me realized that I've spent way too much time locked up in my room or on my computer trying to get away from reality even for a little while.

Although it's only been a week that I've spent my time with this cute little guy, I will remember how silly it is and how it made me laugh after such a long time. It had been a long time... and I thank you for bringing me joy and laughter for the past week. May you rest and be happy in doggy heaven.

:: Its not good to deny ourselves of our emotions and it's worse to lock them up deep in us for it'll hurt us even more ::

Ignorance Is Bliss?

2008-04-23T10:42:00.002+08:00

Yes! At some stages in time IGNORANCE IS BLISS! Faithfulness - this is just something everybody wants to have in their partners and in themselves. But unfortunately wanting and actually practicing it is a totally different matter. I was brought up to appreciate beauty - both on the exterior and the interior in everything. However, through time I discovered that exterior beauty can blind the eye that sees the inner beauty of things. And with that reason I decided to appreciate the inner beauty more than what meets the eyes.

So what's that got to do with ignorance?

Well to be more accurate the question should be, "so why would people choose to be ignorant when things are so clear?". You see when I first started to change my mindset in this matter, it wasn't easy. It fact it took me quite a while to appreciate the inner beauty in things - many thing and humans included. As to why people choose to be ignorant, there is only 2 possibilities that came to mind.

First of all, it's the fact that we are naturally attracted to things that are easy and things that satisfy us in the spur of the moment. Because of that we fail to see the bigger picture to where things will lead and the consequences of certain actions. Doing what we know is right is always harder than doing what is easy. You see, I believe that when we are born, we were given 2 set of tools. One of which appears really heavy but sturdy and trustworthy set of tools. The other, is light and is the exact replicate of the first set of tools. The only problem is, the lighter one is fragile and is for display purposes only. And in the end of the day, it is entirely up to us which set of tools we chose to build our character, values, and believes in which we stand upon. I don't think I need to elaborate much on what are the results of each set of tools used at the end of the day as I'm sure all my readers are smart enough to think for themselves in the given situation.

Second of all is the fact that ignorance is bliss. Well, I sorry to say that ignorance will be blissful ONLY in certain situations and NOT all situations. I do agree that in some cases and given scenarios, ignorance is indeed blissful. However ignorance can also lead to our doom because knowledge is the key to building a strong character, values and believes that we will eventually have. Without knowledge the tools that we have will be useless. And by building our foundation with assumptions and half-truths, we stand on shaky grounds. So with all that said we can deduce that ignorance is a choice. We can choose to be ignorant or we can chose to know but pretend not to (in which case - ignorance is bliss will definitely ring true).

And why am I suddenly posting about this? Well, I've observed some friends of mine and what they are doing.. or rather friends whom are close to me, whom not very long ago have some problems and decided to share it with me. Thing is I have the tendency to keep an eye on them for a while after that to see how they are doing whether or not they know it. It's just a habit of mine. However, I realized that even though they might have gone through some suffering not very long ago, they are now back to where they were BEFORE their suffering. In short, history will repeat itself once again. I guess some habits die hard...

:: Ignorance is bliss ONLY when you CHOOSE to be ignorant at the RIGHT time ::

Where is my heart?

2008-04-01T14:33:00.002+08:00

I've been asking myself this question over and over for the past couple of months. I wasn't able to answer it until recently. I meant to blog about this like a few days ago, however, due to unforeseen circumstances where my connection to the internet was suddenly down, I was left with little choice but to blog about it now. I've been asking people a lot of questions recently. The reason why I was doing that is because I wanted to know exactly how different are my answers in comparison to the people that I know. Some of these questions include the reason of why they'd get into a relationship and certain ideology that they have been holding on to.

I asked a few people that I've met where is their heart and most of them pointed to the organ that keeps our blood circulating through our body to keep us alive. Others asked me what I meant by heart. Well, what I meant by heart is not the organ in our body that works so hard to keep us alive but something else. Something more than that. Something that is rather hard to explain. Something that cannot be seen but felt. Something that grows. What I meant by heart is the special bond that grows between 2 people. I know that there are many bonds that we build in our lifetime. However, the strongest one of all is probably where our heart is. If that bond is broken, your heart will feel hurt and the pain so excruciating that would leave some alone for many years - stagnated in time, unable to move forward if you will. Some of us have our hearts in the bond between the friends that we have. Others their family or loved ones. And for so long, I've been searching for that heart of mine and I'm still looking for it. This is what keeps me moving forward.

Some of the response I get when asking the question about relationship and their reason for getting into one includes, just fulfilling the current feelings that they have, just for the experience, to get intimate with someone, to care for someone, to love and be love, to get to know that person more and to explore the possibility of moving deeper into friendship. I have to say that I should thank all those who gave me their honest answers. They also asked me in return that very same question. My reply? "To get to know that person more and explore a deeper meaning for the friendship that was shared which includes the possibility of marriage". Of course there are other factors which will include growing together spiritually, mentally and emotionally where we'll learn to compromise and understand each other's strength and weaknesses where we'll be the best support we can be to the other person.

Thinking back, I was happier about 3 years ago. I might not be all happy now. I might not as positive as last time,. I might not be as carefree. But I'm beginning to learn to smile again, to see things the way I did long ago, to accept my failures as lessons of life and to continue to look forward where my future is while I take my journey there one step at a time. All I need is time a d God's mercy and grace...

:: Loves not worth going through if it all falls apart ::

My Past Comes Knocking

2008-03-24T00:41:00.002+08:00

Recently, my past - my younger self whom I've shut from the world for a long time - comes knocking on my door. I remember growing up loving maths, science, history, art and music. Even though at that point in time I have not been trained in music except from school, I love the piano for it's melodic tunes when the keys were struck. From there I grew up to love the orchestra and classical musics. I was fascinated by what science offers and the story that happened to the world long ago. I was intrigued by the what maths has shown and proven in many areas of my life. However, all that changed when my heart began to beat a different rhythm. I became unorganized and lazy. I was still fascinated by all those things that I listed above, but something else caught my eyes and my attention was diverted - my rebellious self appeared and shut away my curiosity and passion to learn.

Those were when my life was hell. I went through so many pains and suffering that the closer I look, the farther my heart faded away into darkness. I wanted a way out but I don't know where to go or what to do. So I sat there trembling in fear that if I dare move any further I'll go in deeper into the darkness that terrifies me. For a long time I stayed crying deep inside for help but no one hears my silent cries. And then a ray of light appeared one day and I thought that someone finally came to help me out. I was delighted and thrilled. I began to work towards what I want. And while I was concentrated on working on getting back to the path I want to be on, the light that gave me hope vanished. Suddenly, I was blinded again. Again, I look for a way out and it came to the point where I was so fed up with what's going on that I began to distract myself from the world around me. I created my fantasy world. I was so indulged in it that reality doesn't exist in my dictionary.

Years passed... and then someone tapped on my shoulder and pointed me the way. I was so grateful that I gave my heart away. I gave myself away. But that was a mistake which I made. For you see, by doing just that I made myself vulnerable. And indeed not long after that, my heart was shattered into countless of pieces. All I could do was pick up those pieces and put them back together again. But then I realized that no matter what, there will be pieces which are missing, and my heart and soul will forever carry the scars from the hurt and pain that I've experienced. My heart, it's no longer as perfect and beautiful as it was before. It'll never be the same again. The good news is that, I've learn to go on living. I've learn to let things go. I've learn to trust myself more than others. Through this betrayal of trust, I've learn that sometimes things just don't go our way, and when that happens, I know I'll have to take a step back and take a good look at where I should really be heading.

Taking the first step to change after many years of habit formed is something I find really hard to do. I have to literally drag myself out to do it while my entire being is forcing me to do just the opposite. It SUCKS! But I suppose my will to change and my determination is just too great for anything to stop me. And now, I'm beginning to see a lot of areas in my life that I would like to change. Slowly and surely I'm doing just that. All I need is just time for it to become my new habit. A habit I'll be proud of. A new dawn is approaching. A new life awaits. I'm excited and eager to see what the lights bring this time.

:: When the night is lonely, think of what the daylight will bring ::

Child Abuse

2008-03-06T00:53:00.002+08:00

I may not be very bright to some people. In fact I don't think I'm very bright either. But then I do know one thing if there is anything that anyone should know is how you treat your kids. And well... the video I posted below is NOT one of those examples that should be followed. To all those kids who are abused by their parents... my heart goes to you!!

And she's such a beautiful kid... I'm seriously speechless... It's not even my kid and I feel the pain... *sigh*

:: Sometimes, Mark wonders what happened to the human heart ::

Hurting In Silence

2008-03-05T11:34:00.003+08:00

I've come to realized and accept that no one will truly understand the pain and hurt that I've felt in me for a long time now. Only a friend or someone close to you can truly betray you - reminded me of Jesus's betrayer. If only I would be able to learn how Jesus dealt with His hurts and pains, maybe then I will be able to learn to do the same.

So many people told me to live for the future and let go of the past. Look ahead. I used to be able to do that. Maybe because I was never betrayed before. Or if I was, then I certainly wasn't aware of it. So how do I deal with betrayal? Well, truth is, I'm still trying to figure it out.

Funny thing is, about 5 months before it happened, I already know it's going to happen. Just that I wasn't sure when and where and how it's going to happen but I was sure that it's going to happen. You'd think that if you know something is going to happen, you'd assume that preparation is the most logical way to go about it. So why wasn't I prepared? In fact, why didn't I prepare myself for what I know is coming in the first place? Is it ignorance? Or was I too focus on making sure it never happen?

Anyhow, through this experience, I've learn to say "It's okay..." and smile. Because honestly, it doesn't matter what people do to you, it doesn't matter how badly you've been misunderstood, it doesn't matter if you've been mistreated, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you're happy with yourself and contented with what you have and do. HA!! Easier said than done!

"Life is a learning process, we learn till the day we die. I'm almost a 100 years old and I'm still learning". I will never forget this words... Thanks! ^^

:: Acceptance is the first step towards a better future ::

Different...

2008-03-05T00:18:00.002+08:00

It's funny how some people can tell something about you just looking at you. Or was it that obvious? Firstly, the amazing thing was during cell group the other night, the prayer and message really spoke to me. It was exactly what I was actually praying for.

Anyhow, this is going to be a short post because I think I should write what happened down. I have this urge to do so and I don't know why. I met with a couple of people recently and they both say the same thing to me. Is God speaking to me through them or was it written all over my face?

This was what was said..

"Mark.. why your smile like so sad one?? Smile happier bit can ar?" and later on this was added, "Why you look so tired like that? Not enough sleep is it?"

Tired.. yeah I think I am tired.. I need peace. But I can't find the peace I seek.. ^^ It's ok though... I'm sure things will turn out good at the end of the day.

:: Your greatest mistakes will happen because of impatience ::

And So It Goes...

2008-02-29T12:23:00.003+08:00

Life has gone back to the way it was... well almost. Once again, I find myself attached to a church and a group of people who share the same passion about Christ. Once again, I find myself doing something for the church unexpectedly. I don't know if it's even serving, but I can't really say it's serving yet because serving requires a certain amount commitment and the time frame is much longer than what I'm doing. However, it's good to be doing something regardless of what it is. So here's what I've done.

These are the posters made for the occasion. There is also another project - Putra Heights Community Center notice board. However, I don't have any pictures of it yet although it's done earlier than the posters.

I'm attempting to keep myself busy and so I'm going to start looking for a part-time job soon after I'm done with university registration and all. Currently having problems with the registration.

Well, that's about it for now. I got to dash. God bless!!

:: God never consults your past to determine your future ::

Love Again?

2008-02-27T19:19:00.003+08:00

Funny how answers come in very unexpected ways and manners. For many months now I've been wondering to myself what does love mean to me in a context where love means sharing my life with another person. other than that, I've been experiencing tremendous pressure at home and this has led me deeper into depression. It wasn't a pretty sight I can assure you. However, I begin to hold on to the believe that our past is there for a reason and I cannot move forward into the future if I cannot learn to let go of my past. I'm still learning to do that but I'm sure that I'm slowly but surely letting go of my pasts.

Anyhow, the answer about what love is to me came to me in a very unexpected day and manner. It was during a family dinner with my relatives and it was at the back of a wedding invitation card! It holds a meaning so deep and true to me that no words in any language ever created known by man can express how I feel the first time I read it. Funny how something so simple can take me so long to find.

On the other note, I'm going to disappear from many people for a while now. Until end of 2009. There are many reasons for this - different people have different reasons. But then my ultimate reason of is all is because I want to put in my full concentration on my studies and my studies alone. Yup! That means that I WILL "yum cha" less go out less and.. well you get the idea. I figured that the most important to me now is that.

My favorite quote or motto now is "Keep Moving Forward" and it's going to stay for a long time. I've begin to view failure as a learning process and a part of growing up to be who God wants me to be.

Please don't misunderstand me. Although I might disappear, that doesn't mean that I'm unreachable - it only means that it's probably going to be harder to get to me. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

What I read behind the wedding invitation card?
"A lifetime of love begins with God. It's a journey in discovering His grace together, one joy at a time."
And that is how it's going to be in the future for me..

Well then.. that's if from me till I have no idea when. But I will surely update my blog eventually. I have so many other things I want to put up but I've been avoiding coming online. Going online actually scares me now. In fact, many things scares me now. That includes people. Take care and God bless!! ^^

:: God exist in everything around us because we're all creations of God ::

Before I Let You Go

2008-01-22T01:16:00.000+08:00

I could still remember yesterday
We were so in love in a special way
And knowing that you love me makes me
Feel oh so right
But now I feel lost
Don't know what to do
Each and everyday I think of you
Holding back the tears
I'm trying with all my might

[ Refrain 1: ]
Because you're gonna leave me standing
All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own
But baby before I let you go I want to say
I love you
I hope that you're listening coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do, yeah
So before I let you go I want to say
I love you...hmmm... I wish that it would be just
Like before
I know I could have given you so
Much more
Even though you know I'd give the
New one, my love
I miss your smile; I miss your kiss
Each and everyday I'll ever miss
Coz baby it's you that I'm always
Dreaming of

[ Refrain 2: ]
Because you're gonna leave me standing
All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow on my own
But baby before I let you go I want to say
I love you
I hope that you're listening coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do, yeah
So before I let you go, I want to say, yeah

[ Bridge: ]
Letting you go is never easy
But I love you so
That's why I'll set you free, yeah
And I know, someday, somehow,
I'll find the way
To leave them all behind me
Give it all beneath to keep it baby

[ Refrain 3: ]
Before I let you go, I want to say
I love you
I hope that you're listening
Coz it's true, baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do, yeah
So before I let you go I want to say...
So before I let you go I want to say...
I love you

I'm glad that you are now happy... ^^

:: There is nothing worth fighting for except for what you love ::

A Creed for Self-Discipline

2008-01-22T00:26:00.000+08:00

Willpower:
Recognizing that the power of will is
the supreme court over all other
departments of my mind, I will
exercise it daily, when I need the
urge to action for any purpose; and I
will form habits designed to bring the
power of my will into action at least
once daily.

Emotions:
Realizing that my emotions are both
positive and negative I will form
daily habits which will encourage the
development of the positive emotions,
and aid me in converting the negative
emotions into some form of useful
action.

Reason:
Recognizing that both my positive
emotions and my negative emotions may
be dangerous if they are not
controlled and guided to desirable
ends, I will submit all my desires,
aims and purposes to my faculty of
reason, and I will be guided by it in
giving expression to these.

Imagination:
Recognizing the need for sound plans
and ideas for the attainment of my
desires, I will develop my imagination
by calling upon it daily for help in
the formation of my plans.

Conscience:
Recognizing that my emotions often err
in their over-enthusiasm, and my
faculty of reason often is without the
warmth of feeling that is necessary to
enable me to combine justice with
mercy in my judgments, I will
encourage my conscience to guide me as
to what is right and what is wrong,
but I will never set aside the
verdicts it renders, no matter what
may be the cost of carrying them out.

Memory:
Recognizing the value of an alert
memory, I will encourage mine to
become alert by taking care to impress
it clearly with all thoughts I wish to
recall, and by associating those
thoughts with related subjects which I
may call to mind frequently.

Subconscious Mind:
Recognizing the influence of my
subconscious mind over my power of
will, I shall take care to submit to
it a clear and definite picture of my
major purpose in life and all minor
purposes leading to my major purpose,
and I shall keep this picture
constantly before my subconscious mind
by repeating it daily.

Discipline over the mind is gained,
little by little, by the formation of
habits which one may control. Habits
begin in the mind; therefore, a daily
repetition of this creed will make one
habit-conscious in connection with the
particular kind of habits which are
needed to develop and control the six
departments of the mind.

The mere act of repeating the names of
these departments has an important
effect. It makes one conscious that
these departments exist; that they are
important; that they can be controlled
by the formation of thought-habits;
that the nature of these habits
determines one's success or failure in
the matter of self-discipline

Napoleon Hill

:: Realizing my potential to the highest degree, I shall work myself towards achieving and sustaining it ::

Happy Ending - Mika

2008-01-21T01:02:00.000+08:00

Happy Ending lyrics

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

ps: Sorry Mich, stole this from your blog. It's just too nice to not post it up on mine too!

Things I Hate About People

2008-01-18T00:34:00.000+08:00

I know that it is very unlike to me hate people or things. But seriously, I've been browsing through facebook and checking out the profiles of many people (male and females included). There is ONLY one reason why I'm doing this - to see how many people are actually genuinely honest and nice. And what I found instead are people who have accounts filled with guys or girls who are generally good looking. This people make me sick.

I also realized that in general, people wouldn't really bother about the character of a person that much as long as the person of the opposite sex is good looking. I seriously don't see the logic to this. What's worst, I realized that these people are normally extremely vain (probably cause they have too many "friends" of the opposite sex who are attractive) and they are normally jerks too. I'm not going to say much in this entry but what I can say is that, I refused to be part of this and I rather have real friends even though they are not that attractive physically.

:: Jesus looks at your heart and not your physical appearance ::

What I'd Give

2008-01-09T16:20:00.000+08:00

I've been doing some thinking lately. For those who knows my story, they'd say I think too much. Well that's true I suppose. Been over doing it. But then how can I stop thinking? Anyway, as I was saying, I've been thinking and I realized that there are a few things I truly missed in my life now. And here's the list...

1. My Bro! (Someone whom I have shared many of my problems with and someone who knows what goes through my head. He shares my pain when I have them and I miss him truly. I know you're looking out for me from heaven.. thank you!)

2. Jojo.. my dog.. (One who always waits for my return home with kisses and who knows when I just needed the company even at ghostly hours in the night. Cheers to you!)

3. My ex.. (Sad to say.. I do miss that silly girl regardless of what she did. She's the only girl whom I know to date (since I only had one ex) who shares my dreams. I truly miss talking to her about anything that comes to mind and the spontaneity of our conversation although things didn't work out the way I hoped for. I miss your company and most of all your hugs...)

4. I miss feeding those ducks back in Australia.. (I hate to say this but I really do miss those little buggers. They were the only company I had when I needed time alone to think and to clear things off my head. Especially the one who fought with me over a piece of bread and WON! Cheers to you too for me laugh!)

5. I miss the cheerful old me.. (I missed my old self. Carefree and without fault but greatly misunderstood by others. I miss laughing and having the kind of happiness that comes from deep within the heart. Now it's just an empty emotionless heart and as cold stone on a winter's night...)

I do miss all that. I think most of all I miss having a heart that is warm and fuzzy. I wish I can find that back again but I know I'm not capable of doing that. Sadly.

:: When I was young, I wanted to grow up as fast as I can. Now that I'm older, I wished I didn't have to grow up so fast ::

Closed doors

2008-01-07T00:39:00.000+08:00

After some thought. I've decided to close the door to my heart. I've built a wall around it and there's even a moat surrounding it too. The reason for that is because, I'm seriously sick and tired of the way I'm leading my life. I'm tired of finding my way back into love. I'm gonna live my life now as though the love of my life is dead and that nothing really matters to me anymore except what really needs my attention.

All my emotions and expressions died a long time ago. Sad to say. Regardless of how you see me as I'm sorry to say I was just putting up a front. How I really felt... no one really knows. I don't exactly know how to share it and who to share it with. So those became my wall and the tears I've shed all this while became the moat in which both plays a role now to protect my now harden heart from people who don't really give a damn.

Yes, you could say I've given up on love and humanity. Lets face it. We all want to be loved. And when we are actually loved, we push it aside and left it behind. It's clear to me now that it's no longer worth it for me to love people like that. What little light of hope that was left is now dead and it would take a miracle to revive my spirit.

So please take note. If the next time you see me expressionless and emotionless, don't be surprised. Thank you all for your support and for being there. I appreciate it.

:: I need inspiration. Not just another negotiation ::

On Friends And Sorts

2008-01-06T20:04:00.000+08:00

Due to recent events that happen in 2007, I became more receptive to my surroundings and I begin to view things in a very different manner. This includes the circle of friends I have. There are a few category of friends I have that I'm not entirely sure if I know why I even called them friends when they seemed more like an associate. Here are the categories in which I have broken them into..

- Sunshine buddies : These are the people that do not stick around when the rain comes in. They are there when you're all happy and at your peak. They laugh with you but when you need them around they never are. Occasionally they also seem to be nice to you because they expect something in return from you. They rarely understand your situation and the position that you are in and rarely talk about how bad your day was. The moment they hear that you had a bad day, you can see them running towards the next hill before you even realized they're gone.

- Emotional Companion : These group of people will come running to you because they need someone they can talk to and be emotional with. Someone who needs to be understood and at times hear words that are supportive. They look for acceptance and when they find that you can be that person who give constant support and that acceptance they seek, they'll stick to you like glue. That is until their rain clouds of emotional turmoil is lifted, that is when you truly see the rainbow that appears after the rain. And I dare say that most people in this category will disappear after that or their change in character and personality is obviously noticeable. That's when you don't hear from them that much and as often anymore. It's also where at some cases they don't know you even exist anymore.

- Friends : These group of people will talk to you regardless of the topic. They occasionally care about your well-being but that's about as far as it goes. They know about your life more than most and they also know at least half of your life's stories. They help you when they can and if they can. They are people who are fun to be with and where most back stabbing and gossip happens. There is usually a fixed topic where you will share with them and there is also the restricted area that you wouldn't want them to know about you. These are the people who have the potential to start a relationship with or be more like a brother than just friends given the appropriate time span.

- Best Friends : These are the people who'll come over to your house and ransack your fridge of every diet soda you have because he/she thinks that you're too bloody thin for your height to be drinking those. They are the people who'll call you the moment they know you're in trouble and see if they can help in anyway and are truly concern about your well-being. These are the people who'll be as close to you as a brother and sister as though they are part of your family. They know your parents well and about every inch of your house. In fact, they know about every inch of your life too! If anyone were to go to them and ask about you in almost every aspect of your life (yes, that occasionally includes the way you think), they can probably publish a biography of you and sell it. They will also point out every flaw that you have and your bad habits and laugh with you about it. These people are rare to find and normally take years to develop. They are the best soul mates you can have if they are of the opposite sex.

These are the category of friends that I have. Which category do you think you're most likely at in my life and others around you? What do your friends think about you? And what do you think of me as a friend?

:: Those who has friends must first be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. And he'll become surety for his friends ::

Christmas Time Again

2007-12-22T23:12:00.000+08:00

Once again Christmas is just a few days away. Quite a number of people asked me what I'm going to do for Christmas this year. And I told them honestly.... nothing. The Xmas tree is still in the storeroom laying eggs and waiting for me to take it out once more and make it look all nice and shiny. But... no. Not this year. I'm so tired of what's been going on for the entire year that I have no more energy left inside me to organize anymore functions or activities. So for a while now... I'm just gonna sit still and let the train take me where it wants to go.

Looking back into this year. So many things have changed. This year, I felt as though I've grown 5 years older at the very least if not more. I begin to space out a lot. And there is no reason to that. At times I can't even remember what was said to me about an hour ago. Why is that? Cause I wasn't paying attention. In fact, when I started to actually pay attention... the year is almost over and here I am writing about what I've missed out this year - at least I wish to write about what I missed out but I can't really remember. I was in a world of my own. I was healing. I was thinking. I was preparing myself for what is to come.

2007 ain't a good year. But I promise whoever reads this that it's gonna be better comes 2008. Why? Cause I'm no longer gonna sit back and let life pass me by anymore. I'm gonna make it better from now on and that's gonna be my main resolution for 2008. I have to start treating myself right... that means being a little cruel to the world at times. I have to start looking out for myself cause no one will.

So how am I gonna spend my Christmas if I ain't gonna do anything? Well... I suppose I'll spend them with my family and close friends this year but nothing fancy. Those who wants to spend a part of this Christmas with me in any way. Please let me know and I'll gladly share my time with anyone. Anyway, that's all for now. Will be back soon with updates of my life. ^^ Take care and God bless!! MERRY XMAS TO ALL!!

:: Nothing that is worth anything is ever easy ::

About Loyalty

2007-12-16T12:25:00.000+08:00

I've recently read one of the magazines my mom bought not so very long ago. And apparently, there's something inside that I happen to read that seemed really interesting. Yes, it's about loyalty in men. Actually I find it rather hilarious that women want men who are dedicated to their family and to them and who are loyal and yet.. when we look at the other side of the fence, where we find men who ARE loyal, their spouses think that the men are suffocating them and thus they need some space and so on. It's funny how things like these happens all the time.

I've also recently watch a couple of movies titled "Good Luck Chuck" and a korean movie called "My Little Bride". They are supposed to be romantic comedies and yet, there are some parts in there I don't find very funny at all. Because it happens in real life too.

Good Luck Chuck is about this particular guy who's dated/slept with countless of women in the movie but he has NEVER fallen in love for real (thus he can't bring himself to say "I love you" to anyone). However, it seemed really hilarious that every woman he dated will end up getting married with the next guy she dates. That was until he met the girl he actually fallen for. He couldn't sleep with her because of that "curse" that he has and he's afraid of losing her. But he eventually did. Which brings along the scary part of the movie where he will almost anything... okay he'll do anything to make sure he won't lose her. For once, he wanted to be the next guy. But what he did was really not funny at all. In fact. It's scary. How the story end? I shall leave it as that. (note : This movie is NOT for the underage. And please don't go do something like this)

My Little Bride is about 2 families and arranged marriage. However, the marriage is of a final year university student and a.. 15 year old high school girl. What I find amusing about this movie is the part that she love that guy but she didn't know. At the same time, she's dating a guy who's in high school too. However, her husband eventually found out but he decided not to bring it up to her or anyone else and kept it in himself (which is ONE of the qualities of true love). And along the way, she discovered her mistakes and her true feelings.

What got me thinking was.. love is something really hard to do.. and I'm finding it hard to do too. I couldn't bring myself to say "I love you" to anyone in a romantic manner. Most of the times when and if I say it, I'll say it in a I'm-saying-it-as-though-you're-my-sister. But there was once I did say it and meant it. But that's the past.. I had a few people asking me whether I love them. And I was caught off guard at that question that I didn't really know what to say. So normally I made it clear that I love them but as a sister and friend. Not in a romantic manner. This is because, even though I'm single, I still wanna remain faithful to whoever I'm going to have a serious relationship with in the future. Call me stupid but that's just me. That's who I am. I was brought up to give not much of the receiving part but I realized that I have to be balanced in both ways - and I'm still learning to say "yes please.. thank you".

So what does loyalty mean to you? Why is it everyone wants people who are loyal and yet they themselves can't be loyal? Are they just selfish? Or are they taking advantage of people who are loyal? I shall leave these questions unanswered. God bless!!!

:: Hope is a feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent ::

What Kind Of Person Am I?

2007-11-16T00:44:00.000+08:00

I'm not talking about the general me in case you are wondering. I'm actually talking about the part of me where it concerns the opposite sex whom I have this interest in or I have feelings for. Don't get me wrong... I still don't believe in love at first sight. Well, at least I think I don't. Anyway, I'm not going to talk bout this either.

What I really want to talk about is more of the discovery of myself. How do I go about getting the girl that I want or approach her? Thing is... I don't really bother about how pretty a girl is, if I don't feel nothing I can talk to her as though she's like my best friend. But then, if I do feel something, then it really depends. If I'm uncertain of her feelings towards me, then I tend to NOT talk to that person very much if I can. I don't know why. Maybe cause despite of how I appear to be on the outside, when it comes to this, I'm a really really shy person. I don't know if that is good or bad. But I think it's beginning to effect me for some reason.

I want to talk to that person like my other friends but I can't. And worse of all, when I'm with a person like that... I tend to get clumsy in the beginning. That is until I get a respond of some kind from that person towards the feelings I have. The respond can be both negative and positive. I find it really strange...

Anyway, for those of you who don't know, so far, people that I have feelings for is someone from a long time ago. I have no idea why I have this feeling towards a person whom I'm just getting to know but its getting from bad to worse at the moment. So much so, that I might actually fall so deep in love I'll be hopelessly lost in love if I don't do something about it. This is because, the more I know the person the deeper I'm getting myself into. I don't know if I should let this feeling for mine grow too deep. It's dangerous for now.

:: Dreams are wishes the heart makes ::

End Of The Year

2007-11-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

It's already November, and yes I've been missing in action. Haven't seen the sun much. Haven't done anything much. This year is a very very unproductive year. So much have happened and I've grown as a person in so many ways. A part of me is still missing as I discover more and more about myself and all. However, I felt that there are many things that I could've done and well it wasn't done and it's already at approaching the end of the year in less than a couple of months.

Anyway, more about what I've done as soon as I'm on holidays. Which will be soon. So take care and God bless ya'll!!

:: Sometimes, forgetting is a choice made to save one's heart and soul from bleeding to death ::

Love Is...

2007-10-09T21:53:00.000+08:00

John woke up early as usual to prepare breakfast and to prepare for the day ahead. "Oh? You're up?", John smiles to his wife of 2 years. "Yeah I have to rush to work today. There's meeting today.", replied Tina. "Hey if you're gonna rush at least eat something before you go. I made sandwiches", John offered with a smile.

This is Tina's story - a story of love...

Tina sat down as she stared at the set of keys before her eyes. "Our lives were happy. We're happy together. We're happy being with each other and now we're married and have a house. We have a set of keys each.. and 4 keys in a bunch. But why does he has an extra key?", Tina continued to stared at his keys confused. "We have no secrets, so why didn't he tell me about this extra key? What is the use of this key? To another house? He has a mistress? So many questions and no answers. I can't possibly ask him about this key but I feel this is the key that will bring us many unhappiness and quarrels", thought Tina sadly.

A month passed...

"Hey!! How come you have the same key that John does?", Tina asked her colleague one day after noticing the similar key. "Huh? Which key? This one? Ooh.. this is a key to a safe box in the bank. John has one and he didn't tell you about it?", she answered Tina. "No.. I've been wondering about it for a month or so now.."

And so she made up her mind to open the safe box to see what's inside out of shear curiosity. "Eh? A letter addressed to.. me? And an envelope with no name.. Why would he write a letter to me and put it in a safe box?", Tina thought to herself as she open the letter to read. "It's a.. will? We're married for 2 years and he wrote a will that everything he owns will belong to me after his death? Is he crazy?" She then decided to open the 2nd envelope to see what it contains...

That evening...

"JOHN!!", Tina ran and hug John as tears rolled down her eyes. "What's wrong dear? Why are you crying?", John asked confused. "I quit my job... because I want to spend more time everyday with you", she said while she continue to weep. "Huh? What happened? Are you ok?", John continue to ask. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you kept it from me? Why didn't you tell me that you have bone cancer? Why didn't you tell me that you only have another 10 months to live?". At that, John wept with her. "How can I hurt you by telling you that I don't have long to live? How can I possibly let you know?".

Can't imagine this happening in your life can you? Well, the truth is, things like this happen all the time. In fact we're thrown off our feet so many times that you'd think that we are prepared for what will come next but we are still not ready for whatever that is going to impact us greatly. The question here is, why do we always take things for granted and when we lose what we had that is important to us, then only we know and realize what it really meant to us? Why do we have to go through pain and suffering to realize how much we actually love? Why do we choose to be blinded by false hope when the truth is better? For many months now I've been asking questions like this.

And at the end of the day... I crawl into my bed, roll up into a ball feeling alone, feeling sad, feeling the pain and then shed a single tear before slowly drifting into a deep sleep because I've ignored opened arms, I've ignored love that was given, love that was shown, I've ignored everything around me. I feel as though I've ignored humanity itself. But no more!! I'm fighting my way to the way I am. To the person I was. Happy. Carefree. Because... what I've gone through is nothing in comparison to what Jesus went through for me on that cross! The journey to the cross is easily a few thousand times worse than what I've been through. This and this alone shall be my reason to stand back up and continue to walk down the road called LIFE!

My personal prayer :

Father, I come to Your throne boldly, in the mighty name of Jesus. I ask You to help me to overcome my irrational fears. I give You all of the worries and problems I am facing right now.

Lord, I trust You to work out all things for my good, because I love You and because I am fitting into Your plans for my life. I have a good life because Jesus is my Lord, and I believe that no weapon that is aimed at me can hurt me. I choose to be controlled by love rather than fear. I have been delivered from slavery of constant dread which has followed me. Jesus came to set the captives free, and if the Son has made me free, I am free indeed.

You are my strength and my refuge, so I can boldly say, "The Lord is my Helper. I will not fear or be terrified, for what can man do to me?"

I will not be deceived or be in bondage to dear anymore, because Jesus has already obtained the victory. I take my place in Christ, and I believe in my heart that You have not give me a spirit of fear - not a weak, feeble, cowardly spirit - but a spirit of power and strength - an overcomer's spirit. You have given me a spirit of love, the kind of love that never fails, because perfect love casts out all fear and is always victorious.

Father, when other people leave me and I feel unloved, I am thankful that You will never ever leave me alone of reject me. You are a help for me in this time of loneliness. I know that Your angels are all around me.

You are my God. I know that You love me. Jesus even gave His life for me. I am a born again Christian. Jesus lives in my heart, and I am on my way to heaven. That is plenty to be thankful for. So I won't allow myself to be discouraged or feel sorry for myself. I choose to think only on those things that are pure and holy and good, even when I am alone.

Although I may feel alone, I know that I am not alone, for You Word says that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. I will come out on top of every circumstance through Jesus's love.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen!!

...transformed by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by it's new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you] - Rom 12 : 2

ps: Thanks to all those who was there together with me through rough times. Those who were sad with me when I was sad, cried with me when I cry, those who were there when I needed them most, those who listened to me talk about my pain and hurts, those who showered me with hugs when I needed them most, those who gave me words of wisdom, those who supported me, those who pushed me when I feel like giving up, and most important of all, to those who truly have faith and believe in me!! I am eternally grateful to all of you (you know who you are!!) and I also know that most of you now know me a lot more than anyone out there that I probably know (excluding my parents) and through this times that we've been through we've truly grown closer as brothers, sisters, and friends. Thank you all so much! I promise that I'm all good now! ^^ *CHEERS TO ALL*

:: How many times should I pray the same prayer? - Pray until you know that the answer is fixed in your heart ::

To The One I Once Called, My Love

2007-09-21T13:16:00.000+08:00

As I stared out to the evening sea
I wondered why did you even leave me
You once said that I'm your dream come true
But then you left me feeling so blue

So to the one I once called, my love
I believed that you were sent from above
Although we have greatly misunderstood one another
I will treasure all the memories of us together

Even though I can no longer hold you in my arms
And look out for you so you're safe from harm
I still feel the warmth of your body
Because the hugs that we had seem to last an eternity

For the things that you did wrong
I've always been patient, enduring it for so long
Because you don't like to take blame
I took them from you regardless of the pain

For all the good things that I've done
You shut both eyes and appreciate none
To top it off, you judge me by my actions
When I wished for you to judge me for my reasons

Thinking back now, oh how I love you so
And to the farthest reaches I'll even go
Just so I can hear your heart's every beat
As we take one step at a time down this lonely street

So to the one I once called, my love
I still believe you were sent from up above
And if you look for the love I've often spoken
You'd know the truth and accept my little token

But yet again, you close both your eyes
Deciding to hide behind your fantasy world of lies
Leaving behind our love as it slowly die
I have nothing else to say but.. Goodbye..

-- Mark --
@>-'---
Withering Rose Poetry™
*All copyrights reserved @ Mark Ong ~ 2007*

:: When you dreams turn to dust - VACUUM!! ::

Reflecting On The Words Of The Experienced

2007-09-18T22:48:00.001+08:00

Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place - Psalm 51:6

About a week ago something really strange happened. I was in the basketball court and everyone went back home except for me. I decided to stay there a little longer to enjoy the silence of the night. Out of a sudden, someone's grandfather (yes he is THAT old) came up to me and said hi to me. To be honest, I was rather annoyed cause I wanted to be alone but then I thought I would entertain him for a while anyway. Which proved to be rather interesting later on.

He came up and said "Hi there!" and I looked and him moved aside so he can sit down and I said "Hello..." a little puzzled that I actually moved and expected him to sit down beside me (which he did by the way). "It's a beautiful night tonight isn't it?" he said. I was so stunt I decided to just go with the flow half wishing that he would leave me alone I replied, "yeah.. it is..". Then he looked up into the night sky and said, "You look like there's a lot in your mind young man. I remembered when I was your age, it was the best time of my life..". I didn't know what to say so I kept quiet still wishing that he would go away.

"I don't know what you're worried about or what you are going through at the moment. But I'm sure things will always work out in the end..". I shrugged. "Why is he talking about this all of a sudden? I just wanna enjoy the silence of the night..." I thought to myself. There was silence for about 1 minute or so before he finally said something again. "You know... I really miss my wife." at what he said I turned to look at him. Still staring at the sky he said "She's a woman that I'm proud to call my wife.. and she's just perfect!" Curiosity overtook me and I blurted out, "I envy you. But..how did you know that she was 'Ms. Right'?" This time he looked at me and laughed. Feeling both puzzled at his out burst of laughter and the realization that I have asked someone a question I shouldn't I look back into the sky.

"She was NOT 'Ms.Right'. In fact, when we're both much younger, I hated her for everything she did. And she was the last person on my mind that I would pursue a relationship with." at this he too stare at the night sky. "Then what happened? I thought a moment ago you said that she's perfect?" I decided to ask since he stopped saying anything. "Well, something happened and she was the only person that helped me at that point of time. I was... touched. Then I thought that maybe there's more to this person that I thought." He answered. "I was then that we became really close friends and well it started from there. But I can tell you one thing though. In a relationship, it's not about how perfect your partner is, it's about making things right and making her the right person", he continued. "Funny, not long ago I heard this same sentence." I thought to myself. "By making her perfect doesn't mean that you change her to suit you, but accepting her as who she is and encourage her to change for herself", he interrupted my thoughts.

"I know. But then how did you find yourself in a relationship with her?" I decided to ask. "Well, to be honest our relationship developed from friends to best friends and then it just happened. I don't even know why or how, but I know that it was one day that I suddenly thought to myself that she's someone that I can't imagine living without.", he stopped and it seemed that nothing moved at that moment in time. No wind. Just cars passing by at the nearby road. "So you decided to approach her about it?" I decided to ask again. "No. Actually I prayed about it first." at what he said, I was so stunt I have nothing else to say. "It was not long after that I decided to ask her if she would consider getting into courtship." at that it was a double wow for me. "But that was a long time ago, I do miss her company though. We use to sit here every night last time and just talk.. I do that alone now. Was rather surprise to see someone here tonight actually" at that he smiled at me. I can't see it but I swear he smiled.

"I'm just taking a guess. But I sense that you're here tonight not be coincidence right? I mean, there is a reason why you are sitting here staring into the sky alone" he asked me. "Umm...", and how did he know that I don't know.. "yeah.. I was actually just thinking to myself and..". "Talking to God" he ended my sentence. "Yeah.. how did you know?", anymore surprises like that and I'm gonna get a heart attack. "I just guessed.", he answered. "Well, don't worry about who's going to be the one and all. Just trust God and let things be at the moment", he added. I was so shocked at what he said I didn't even dare look at him. "yeah I guess you are right..", I decided to say. "Well, nice to be talking to you. I think I better make a move" I stood up, took my stuffs and said, "You take care! God bless". He smiled at me saying, "You too. Thanx for staying around tonight." at that I walked to my car, start the engine, took a look at the place I was sitting, and there was no one there.

Well, whoever he is I'm glad that I stick around too! Cheers to you for your wisdom and words that make me think so much! I don't know how you know what I'm going through or know just the right things to say, but I'm sure glad that I get to talk to you! May God bless you wherever you are!! Take care!!

:: It all comes down to who's by your side ::

Randomness!

2007-09-10T13:51:00.000+08:00

Once again I find myself tide down with time. I thought this would be over the moment I woke up from a very long "dream" a few months back. However, fate would have it that I have my schedules booked all the way till January NEXT YEAR! Almost everyday till then I have something on or something that needs my attention. However, that doesn't mean that I won't make time for other things. In fact, I will make time for other people too.

It suddenly dawned to me that there are so many things that I can do in 24 hours (besides sleeping for 8 hours or less, eat and use the bathroom). I also find myself now constantly in the midst of people, not that I'm complaining - actually it helps keeps me occupied and my mind free from thinking too much on any ONE thing.

With all the people who are now looking to me for help in one way or the other, I find myself struggling to keep my identity. It really challenges me to hold on to my principles and values at certain times. I even had a few people asking me, "why didn't you go study psychology?". My answer? "Because that is not where God wants me to be.." Yup! It's that simple.

I'm also beginning to find myself struggling with the walk I'm walking. I'm guessing that people actually listen to me because they saw me walk the talk. But then, there are times when I actually fall too. At that point in time, giving up seemed a lot easier than getting up and continue walking. However, in recent events, I learn something very valuable - just be who you are because who you are is what God has made you. I believe that everyone is born good (except for a few.. mentally ill people) but then the environment influenced us to be someone we are not and sometimes someone that we hate.

I begin to find God in everything that I do now. I begin to question myself what would Jesus do in this given circumstances? How would He react? What would He say? A friend I just met not long ago randomly commented me on who I am as a person. She said, "You are the 15th guy I know who will not take advantage of girls, 9th guy I know who knows what he wants, 5th guy I know who is serious about relationship and will be committed to it, 2nd guy I know who worships God with all his heart!". I was left speechless when she said that - am I really this person she said? I don't know. But if someone were to say that, then I have to live up to it - it's my weakness, but it helps me be a better person.

I also seem to be comforting a lot of people who just seem to like crying around me. Again, I'm NOT complaining. On the contrary, I felt honored that they chose to cry on my shoulders.
Suddenly, I seem to be everyone's BIG brother, friend and confident. Those of you who fall into this category of people, I have to say, thank you! Thank you because of the trust and faith you have placed in me. I know there are times when I have nothing to say that can comfort you, so I hope that my presence there with you alone is enough to show you that someone cares!

:: Life is NOT about the destination, it's about the journey ::

About Love

2007-09-09T11:51:00.000+08:00

Recently, it seemed that the topic of love is a very hot topic for discussions. Which is rather good too because I get to see different opinions of what people think love should be like. At the same time I get to reason my point of view and we get to debate over how love works and how we can love someone but NOT fall in love with that same person. So this topic is about love and what is my conclusion on what was being discussed.

One of the things we discussed under this topic was, "how do we know that he/she is the right one?" Truth is, we don't. At least not all the time. It's kind of hard to explain how we know it's the right one because when it happens, it happens. Thing about me is, I don't believe in love at first sight, and I don't believe that you can love someone without actually getting to know that person. Loving a person and falling IN love with that person is a different thing. Like I mentioned in my previous posts before, love is NOT blind, infatuation is.

Love doesn't just come because someone swept you off your feet. That is NOT love, that is infatuation. Love grows. It's a living thing. Mike Mason wrote in his book titled The Mystery of Marriage, "Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for His grace."

That sentence alone says a lot about love. For instance, Mason is talking about how love developed through prolonged, meaningful and deep friendship. I have mention before to many people that the most successful marriages I find so far is the marriage that developed from friends to best friends to courtship to marriage. However, that doesn't mean that if your best friend is of the opposite sex you are better off marrying that person. I'm NOT implying that you should consider courtship as your next step. What I am merely pressing is on the fact that love MUST come naturally and that takes time.

About falling in love and loving a person. You can love a person without having to fall in love with that person. One really good example is, the love for your siblings, friends, best friends and so on. You love them but you are NOT in love with them. As I mentioned earlier, love takes time. That means that to fall in love it requires time and the understanding of that individual to an extend that cannot be compared with anyone else. That is the reason why I said that the most successful marriages I find so far is between best friends because they truly understand one another and they are able to accept the good, bad and ugly side of that individual.

Remember what Mason said? "Love is always fated. It has been arranged before time." That means that God is in control. That also means that we should not place our own understandings but put our trust in God. What is the point of looking for the right person when God will bring us the right person? But how do we know that what God wants is what we want? Well, that is easy. God's timing is perfect. That means that He will reveal all in His own time. What seemed to be a coincidence might be His divine intervention. We don't know. That is one reason why I'm not going to bother about this anymore. Why should I bother when I know God is doing what is best for me and all I need is to trust him?

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. This verse in the bible can be interpreted as trust in God because He knows what is best for us. The Bible talks about love all the time, in fact almost the entire Bible talks about love. So if God is love then why do we worry about who we fall in love with and so on? Just put your faith and trust in Him! I encourage all those who read this to place your heart's desires in God. Remain pure in your heart and uphold the opposite sex in respect and treat them as how you would to your siblings.

:: Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time ::

On Responsibility And Commitment

2007-09-08T00:34:00.000+08:00

Recently, I realized that one thing about me that keeps my drive or keeps me going is the expectations that I have for myself and also the expectations that others have in me. I want to meet that expectation that other have in me and very often I find myself having expectations on myself that is way higher than what others expect of me. I'm not sure if this is a good thing but because of this I begin to thrive for the best. I was like that when I was younger. I never competed with anyone on any grounds but I compete with myself and my own expectations. And now I'm finding myself reverting back to that person that I was not just in this manner but a lot of others.

I know for a fact that many people out there cannot take responsibility and commitment well. As a matter of fact, many are afraid. But I was brought up in a family where responsibilities and commitment is a must. I was taught NOT to run away but to face it. Sounds like I went to some military boot camp and graduated? Looking back I thought so too! It came to the point that I wake up every morning at 6.30am sharp without the use of an alarm clock! Yeah that was how I was brought up. But then I wouldn't change what I went through in my life for anything.

What has my responsibilities and commitments done for me? Well, for one it gained me respect from some of my lecturers in the past (the ones that I know about). Even in some of my friends, their parents and *gasp* their GRANDPARENTS!! Yup!! You read it right! Grandparents! Anyway, some people who knows me well, might say that I'm always late and all so how does that even prove that I'm responsible/committed? Easy. It's NOT about being late it's about making it a point to BE there whether or not it's early or late. My commitment is to be there. But of course when it comes to certain things that I have to be there early, I WILL be there early.

Taking responsibility or holding onto a commitment is NOT as easy as it sounds. In fact, I have to be prepared to take the blame for things that go wrong because of the commitment I decide to hold or the responsibility that I have. One example is this, there was one time a friend passed me her assignments to be handed in and guess what? I forgot about it and I handed in a week late!! I told the lecturer that it's my fault and that I forgot about it and that she did not submit late cause she gave me a day early to be submitted. I know very well what the consequences were, and I told her that if she were to deduct marks from her work take it from mine because it's NOT her fault. This happened years ago and yes there are people who witness this. What I did that day, gained respect from NOT one lecturer but a few.

So what am I trying to say? Nothing really. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone or trying to impress those who read my blog. I'm just sharing a part of my life of who I am as a person. But I can say one thing, being committed also means being faithful. And faithfulness to me is a BIG thing! To gain my trust is easy but to break it and gain back that trust is NOT as easy. But that is just who I am as a person. That's me!

:: Where there is no CONTROL there is no RESPONSIBILITY ::

Site Office Design

2007-09-05T14:41:00.000+08:00

This is one of the latest work that I have completed and I decide to post it up on my blog! ^^ Please comment if you can. Thanks!

Project Name : Site Office @ KLCC park
Concept : Minimalism in the midst of complexity.
Idea : The design of this site office is not only to look over the project that is supposed to be done in the ground of KLCC park, but also to celebrate the union of the complexity of KLCC and the nature that the park provides. The design is to blend in with nature that the park provides, hence the amount of glass. The trees act as shading devices to reduce heat from accumulating in the site office. It is also design in such a way that it encourages the use of natural ventilation and minimal if not use of air-conditioning. This would save cost on electricity and it would also be a nature friendly design. The glass panels in the reception area is designed to be in such a way that the view from the inside of the site office of the outside becomes the work of art.

I will not post up the final presentation board here. For those who wish to see how I presented my work in the final boards please let me know, and I will show it to you. Sorry for the inconvenience. Thanks!!

:: Passion is found within yourself ::

Complexity In Minimalism

2007-08-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

Today is the day I will NEVER forget. Why? Because today is the day where I left my lecturers speechless while I defended my analysis on the philosophical ideology of a famous and well known architect. The funny thing is, I stumbled and left a gaping hole in my presentation when I ended it and as I sat down, I realized my mistake but it was too late to correct the wrong that I did. However, I was given the chance to redeem myself (rather I made that happen) when a Curtin lecturer appeared for a visit and decided to listen to the other half of the presentation.

What really happened was he appeared that I was already done with it. But then after the presentation he commented that our presentation is good but we forgot to give the essence of what minimalism is all about and how our work is a minilist work. And after a couple of my group mates defended themselves I decided to use this opportuniy to actually clarify in a more in-depth manner of what I really wanted to conclude in my presentation.

What followed after was really an eye-opener and I left my lecturers speechless by the depth of my analysis and my interpretation of how complexity exist behind every work of minimalism, and how minimalism is just an individual perception of one's mind. I also relate that to the design of the house I was presenting and how the architect's philosophical ideology moved architecture into a modernist period. During this period of debate between in-depth thinking of my analysis and the Curtin lecturer's understanding of the subject and his own analysis on the subject, the lecturers were left speechless.

However, sadly, due to the fact that time is of the essence and that other groups were waiting for their turn to present, I decided to end the debate of our analytical ideology for the benefit of others. I DO REGRET IT MUCH!! I really would like to meet up with him and talk to him about it in a more detailed manner. It was after we were done that the lecturer commented that what I said was actually very deep. How very motivating! ^^

:: How "Less is More" is really the perception of an individual of how complexity exist in minimalism ::

The Rose

2007-08-22T13:26:00.000+08:00

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching needs
I say love, it is a flower
And you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been to lonely
And the road has been too long
When you feel that love is only
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winder
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose

-Amanda McBroom-

I read this sometime ago and recently I found it again in a sheet of paper that was hidden from sight. I decide to share this with everyone who reads and to dedicate this specially to those who hurt inside. Hope you enjoyed it.

:: If you've loved and was hurt and broken, love anyway ::

Strange Dream I Had

2007-08-12T14:21:00.000+08:00

I was in a unrecognizable place, the scenery looks like it's a city by a beach or something like that - kinda like Palm Beach, California. I was walking along the beach apparently going to some restaurant to meet my parents and a friend of mine for dinner (Lets just say this is friend A). On the way, I met with someone I knew from my past who suddenly decided to reappeared in my life after a long time (Lets call this person friend B). Apparently she wanted to start things over (which I find really strange), but we decided to take a sit nearby for a while just to talk (which turned out to be a little more than a talk - not sexually mind you). After that, I remembered I stood up and said, "I'm sorry, I cannot live in the past anymore. I've gone through it and what is over is over, I don't want to go back."

Suddenly the scene changed to the lounge in the restaurant. I met another friend (friend C) who apparently knew I was going to appear there and I was surprised and shocked to see her there. Then we talked and later on, I found myself saying, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can do that anymore, not after what you have done to hurt me, not after what I've gone through and you just push me aside and rejected me in every way. You go think about what you've done and hopefully you'll learn a little remorse in what you did." After that I found myself walking up the stairs nearby to where I was suppose to meet my parents and Friend A.

During dinner, I noticed the food that was cooked in front of us and it's Japanese food, and no it's not sushi, but I remembered it was really good. While eating I suddenly saw Friend C looking for me outside, and I pretended I didn't see anything. After a while, I started looking around to see if she is still looking for me but she's no where to be seen. So I went back to enjoying the food and talking to Friend A and my parents. Suddenly, someone tapped on my shoulder - it was a lady and a man. They said, "I think you ought to go outside for a while. Someone is waiting for you." I looked puzzled and I excused myself from the table and went outside to find Friend C lying on the floor apparently getting ready to sleep there if necessary just to wait for me to appear.

I walked silently over and turned her over and found that she was actually crying. Then we sat on the sofa and I asked her what is wrong and why is she here crying. She said she was looking for me but then saw me with my friend and parents and I looked really happy so she didn't want to disturb. Then she said to give her another chance and to start over. I looked at her but then all that was in my head was, "No I cannot. I've already got someone else..." - and she's inside with my parents. I found myself still looking at her and then I asked, "Why did you have to do what you did so long ago? It hurt me so much... and now after so long you want me back. Don't you think it's too late?" She stared at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I'm so sorry for what I've done. I was too young, too naive."

Then I woke up. So then what's so weird about this dream? Well the funny thing is, I know who Friend A, B and C are in real life. And when I was talking to Friend C who's crying just before I woke up, I realized something. She's only Friend C on the outside, but what I was talking about (the past) was actually the experienced I had with Friend B (or you could say that the person inside is actually Friend B). When I woke up, I kept asking myself this one question, "Did I used someone else as a buffer unconsciously to help me forget and to move on, or did I see the characteristics of Friend C in Friend B?" And even in my dreams, I'm being faithful to the one I'm committed to during that time.

This is the reason why I don't want to sleep in my room. I can't sleep with this weird dreams I'm having. I woke up twice in the middle of the night because I felt that someone was sleeping next to me (or was I hoping that someone was sleeping next to me?). And I had trouble falling asleep. I think I need prayers. I need to know what lies in the light that I see at the end of the tunnel I'm at. I'm actually at the end of the tunnel, all I need is to walk into the light. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to do just that.

:: The Pain last as long as it has to ::

When Friendship Fails To Work

2007-08-09T12:46:00.000+08:00

Funny how a simple little problem can seemed so big to one and so small to another. In the recent events that occurred to me in a very untimely manner, I've discovered that I've lost not only someone who meant the world to me (once in a fairytale land) but a friend whom I thought understood me as an individual. The way we view our problems is very different, and this might be the cause of our downfall as a couple and as friends. Those who are wondering, I do not see her as my enemy but as a person who is lost in a world where lies and deceit rules. During the time where our friendship is in jeopardy I took the chance to straighten the lies that I have told - I did it because I know I have to do it eventually and I chose that day to do it.

Weeks later, I found out that we are no longer in talking terms and it seems like her anger and hatred for me is so great that you can feel it just by looking at her. Why she hates me so much now and why is she so angry at me, I might not know the entire story. But I am sure that I did everything with pure intentions. So what went wrong? Who was the one who is holding the sword? What actually happened and what caused this downfall that even effected the friendship?

It's funny how I was giving an advice to a friend and I realized that I should actually listen to what I say too - yeah that means taking my own bloody advice. Sometimes, I feel that my own best friend should be myself but that would be a very sad thing to do. Anyway, I was explaining to her about how friendship should be the base of all growing relationships and without it, when the house falls the foundation goes down with it. That was exactly what happened to the relationship I had. That was what happened to the friendship that is now broken. Of course reconciliation is easier said than done - this too takes 2 to do. So now what?

The one thing I have done is to reconcile with her. But when nothing seemed to work there comes a point where you look at it and say, "You know what? Screw this! I'm wasting my time doing something that is obviously not going to work." When that point comes, you just give up hope and just move on. What else is there to do when your friend sees you as an enemy? Well there is one thing that the Bible says we can do - “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matthew 5:43-45).

So you know what? I will be praying about it like how I've been praying for myself and others all this while. To the one that considered me as an enemy, I say unto you, "May God bless you and watch over you."

:: Divine love is a matter of choice. It is a function of the will ::

God's Hand At Work? - When We Bleed Inside

2007-08-08T12:36:00.000+08:00

Someone recently told me, "Mark, we're all in this together... you're just in a little deeper than the rest of us", after I shared my troubles that is. I didn't know that that sentence would really make me think more than I think I should. But then i realized that no matter what the pain, disappointments or problems anyone may face, everyone is looking for the basic answers to 2 questions - WHY and HOW?

We hear people ask questions like, "Why me?" "Why us?" or "How did I end up this way?" "How can I deal with this?" "How can I move on with this much pain?" - I'm found guilty for asking this questions too. Hey, I'm still only a human in a very confused world and society where everyone wants to be someone. To be honest, I don't think anyone has the answers to this questions. In fact, I sometimes feel that I don't even understand this questions. It would be so easy to be able to give a perfect answer to these questions and to make everything all right.

I read somewhere before that "Whatever comes to any of us is sent or allowed by God". If this is true (I found myself thinking), then God must really be cruel. It makes God sound like He's weak, uncaring, or even sadistic (sorry to have to say this but I can't deny that I felt that way before). Funny thing is, if God is in control then why do we have all this tribulations? Well, truth is, God is still behind it even if we chose to blame Him right? Especially when our suffering seemed endless. In the book of Psalms, it was said that we must always put our hope... in God.

Once again, I learn about patience. Being patience with God's will. It's like...baking? Yeah, it might take hours but if we're impatient and open the oven before the right time, then the cake is spoiled. And while the cake is being baked, there's this aroma that fills the air and it's a wonderful aroma. I feel attracted to people who trust God with their troubles and sufferings - sometimes I even envy them - but I'm learning to do that too. Paul said that, "all things work together for good to them that love God." When we begin to believe that everything that comes to us is from God, then suffering begins to make sense to us - okay.. maybe not that much sense but at least there's some. But what we need is faith that with just a little suffering (or sometimes more than we thought we can bear), our Grand Planner can work something out that is good for us.

Then we are able to accept and see that our heavenly Father is using our pain to work something in us that is redemptive. Every trial or broken relationship is like a key ingredient that's being blended together and put into the God's great oven. Soon enough, what seemed to be killing us will make us look and smell really good. Or at least that's what I believe in. As long as our hearts are not harden and we are able to accept whatever comes to us with God's grace, He can work out something wonderful for us - and make us a better person.

:: When all is said and done, when all the opinions have been uttered, preached, shouted, and shared, there is only one thing we can do - FROM THIS MOMENT ON... LOVE ::

Why So Serious? - A Reflection of the Past

2007-08-06T00:14:00.000+08:00

Okay before I start on writing about the topic above, to those who are wondering about this topic - Yes, I've gotten my feelings straighten up. And yes, it's about my previous relationship. No, it's not about her, it's about how I took the step to be in a relationship with her and what's the logic to what I did. Yes, this is suppose to help other people as well as myself. Yes, God was involved during that period of time in which I'm writing about.

What I'm about to write is why I took things so seriously and how did I actually started out with a relationship with her. It's a reflection because I put myself in a 3rd person perspective to consider and think over what I've done in order for me to discover and to learn more about what has happened throughout the relationship. It also put me in a perspective of whether what I did was right or wrong - but that is only what is logical and reasonable, so many people who read it might disagree with what I have to say.

It all started out when I was in F5 (form 5). I met her then and I felt attracted to her somehow but I don't know what. Maybe it was her flare for life. Maybe it was her enthusiasm towards the future. Maybe cause she seemed to be a very happy and confident person to me. But whatever the reason was, I couldn't remember them anymore except for the fact that I was attracted to her. So why didn't I do anything at that point of time but instead chose to stand aside and watch life waltz right through? Truth is, I didn't watch life waltz right through. I was waiting for the right moment to do something about it and that moment is not the right moment. Here's why;

1. I wasn't ready to commit into a relationship yet because I was still discovering who I am.
2. I felt that true love would be able to wait and if this is truly a love that's true, I'm willing to wait till the time is right.
3. I wanted to set things right in my life which later on seemed to get a whole lot messier and it still is at the moment.
4. I know that I don't have the right reasons to get into a relationship yet although it seemed like it's going to be a good experience - I didn't only want it to be an experience, I wanted it to work out in the end.
5. My heart is not in the right place so I know it wouldn't go far - and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

These are some of the few reasons that I can recall why I didn't do anything about it. However, after I graduated from high school, we lost contact and at that point, life decided to throw me a curve ball. In fact, until we meet again in December 2005, life threw me 3 curve balls already!! But during that period where there was no contact between us, she constantly appears in my mind and sometimes it got annoying. I don't know why she appeared in my mind when at that time I felt that my heart belong to someone else - I was confused. It was not till later on that I can truly say that my heart belong to no one but God.

Early December 2005, we met and we had a few more meetings after that. All this meetings seemed very normal to me but deep in my heart I have this desire to start something more. Something was pushing me to her and the feelings just grew. So it came to a point where I decided to test the waters and it seemed warm. However, I didn't just jump in. What I did was, I prayed about it. And during that short period of prayers (was 2-3 weeks), it seemed that God really did meant for us to get together. In which, at the sign of the green light, I decided to go on ahead. And now comes the part in which I want to really talk about.

In the beginning of the relationship, I already have a fixed idea of what the relationship should be like and what are the goals and reason for it. It had a purpose, a direction. I know that the idea of stating my intentions at the beginning of the relationship was distasteful. I mean, just mentioning about the possibility of marriage up front especially when it's only the beginning is foolish because it makes the relationship too serious, too soon. I totally understand why and I can say this, that no one should do this lightly or when they don't mean it. The reason why I said and did what I did was due to a period of serious series of prayers where I asked God a lot of questions in order to help me to lead a relationship that was right (although it was only 2-3 weeks, I've been praying for God to prepare my heart for a long time before that). I wanted things to work out. And when I commit myself into a commitment with her, I did it because my heart is ready to accept the possibility of marriage. Please take note that whoever uses this reasons or the hope of marriage as bait to manipulate another will answer to God.

Some people say that it's foolish for a couple in a relationship to immediately assume that they are going to be married - I totally agree with that. I never assume that we are going to get married, but I did my best to make things work towards that direction because that was the ultimate reason. Stating the possibility of marriage is very different in comparison to saying that marriage is inevitable. When I state to her of the possibility of marriage, I'm indicating that I'm open and am ready to get married when the time is right. By this, I'm indicating a different level of commitment that is suppose to be present that we are supposed to both understand.

Before I move on, if anyone who reads this wonder why I'm using the term relationship and not courtship, the answer is simple. I took the relationship seriously because I view it as courtship. But I cannot say the same for her because of the level of commitment that she has shown in the relationship. And thus, I cannot use the word courtship because courtship works both ways and both parties have to understand that same level of commitment involved. I have to make these things clear because I'm about to write about courtship and the commitment that comes with it. And some may even ask why I used courtship and not dating. Well there is a difference between dating and courtship but I shall write about this to explain the difference some other time.

As I was saying before this, by what I did, I was actually stating clearly my intentions for being a relationship with her and I want to make sure that she understands that I'm serious about it. I want us to enter into a relationship where we are not just merely dating, but we're in courtship (again I'll explain more in a future post about courtship and dating). What I'm saying is, courtship is a commitment. It's a promise not to play games with another person's heart. It's serious business. It is where we are both honest in exploring the strength and the weakness of each other and also putting to practice a lifelong commitment so we can do it easily after marriage.

I hope this explains to a lot of people who knows about the relationship as to why I took things so seriously with her. And why I did things that are very different from other couples in a relationship. Even at the end of the relationship with her, God still state very clearly to me that we are to be together, but guess what? This time around, I was impatient. My great downfall was not letting God do things according to His own time and will. However, in the bible, Jesus already knew who would be his betrayer from the start but He still made Him his disciple - Why would He want to make His betrayer His disciple? Because He knows that it has to happen.

So what's with that sudden Jesus and His betrayer story? I mentioned it because I believe that God knew that I was going to be impatient - He wanted me to learn about His timing. He knew that it's going to happen and He knew that it has to happen. Not because He didn't keep His promise but because He has a bigger plan for me. Maybe He has someone better and I believe He does. When it is God who closes a door, He will definitely open another. And this time, I'm going to make sure I'm ready before entering.

:: Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality ::

Meeting with Adam

2007-08-03T10:40:00.000+08:00

I was actually praying the other day for guidance and seeking patience. I lifted everything to God and I want things to happen in His accord. It is a really hard thing to do trusting in faith. But I know that what happened was His doing. And I'm sure that He has a plan for me and a better one. As I was doing that, I suddenly have this image of myself walking in a really nice Garden and I spotted someone not far away. My curiosity was so overwhelming that I ran to meet up with this mysterious person. And soon after I found out that he was none other than Adam. So I decided to talk to him about relationship matters. Seems strange.. but I learn something from there too.

"What was it like when you first laid your eyes on her?" I asked. "Well, to be honest, nothing. I opened my mouth to say something but I didn't know what to say and then I tripped and she started laughing. She loves laughing at me", he replied. "But it must have been easy for you because she was the only one there. I wish there is only one there for me cause it all seemed so unfair and so confusing", I decided to go straight to the point.
We walked along a little more and we reached a small stream and we sat down on a fallen tree-trunk. "It's so hard now. Why is it so difficult for me and the people of my generations?" I broke that silence.
I spotted a salmon in the stream and decided to keep my eyes on it. "It's not more confusing" he said. "It only seemed that way. It seemed 'easier' for me back then as you would put it, not because we are the only humankind, but because in those sweet days before we decided to disobey God, we implicitly trusted God to bring what was good", I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "What you must try to see is that nothing has changed. When the maker brings you The One, you'll be aware that it is He who has made you for each other and He who planned your meeting. And in that moment, you'll want to sing a song of praise to Him"

And I woke up.

I begin to ask myself if there was a moment in my life that this happened. Well, yes. But that was a long time ago. 8 years! How can a heart that has so long forgotten the song of praise I sang that time sing it again? Can I remember the lyrics? Thinking about it, I never actually sing that song yet because I know the time was not right. So then I begin to pray again;
"Thank you God for what had happened. I understand not the purpose of Your plans, but I know that is it your doing because You have someone better for me. I pray again that You give me the patience to wait for the right moment and show me how. I pray that at that point of time, You show me who and when I should do something and let it be Your will that what I do is a praise unto You. Amen."

:: Courtship is where two people come to an agreement upon the seriousness of the commitment that laid in the relationship ::

Stronger Person or Harden Hearts?

2007-08-01T10:38:00.000+08:00

As I look back into my life, I've noticed that a series of unfortunate events always seem to follow me wherever I may go. However, most of the time when something bad happened I confide in myself and bring myself up without the help of anyone else - cause I simply couldn't accept help from someone. I'm was a very arrogant and stubborn fool. However, regardless of how long I take, I will eventually bring myself up again. You can say that in that way I was living myself where I trust only myself and I'm a loner. But truth is, I have many friends who are willing to come to my aid - I just couldn't see myself seeking help from someone else because I thought that by doing so I'm a weak person. It was a recent event that happened in my life that I'm sure that by now most of everyone I'm close to would have already known, changed me in one very significant way - I'm able to accept the fact that at a point of time regardless of how strong you are as a person, you can only truly be strong if you acknowledge your weakness.

I've been alone for sometime thinking to myself about my past and my regrets and how people changed given the time and experience that they have gone thru in life. And I've discovered that most of everyone out there did not grow stronger as a person but have their hearts harden so that they would not feel as much pain as they did. In that way, they changed. Then the question we should ask is, is that change a good one or a bad one? Someone told me before that God will not judge us by what good deeds we've done on earth or what we've accomplished, but by the amount of scars left on our hearts because we dared to put it out for others. And now that I've finally understood that, I've decided that the only thing that should change is my attitude towards life not my heart. This is because I believe that being a stronger person means that you know that you will get hurt and dissapointed by others whom you love yet you still dare to love anyway - the same way that you love before this.

It is true that many people out there do not deserved love for they themselves know not what love is, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to lower my standards to accommodate others. I may be hurt and dissapointed but I will not change to be someone who I don't want to be. For that I will not harden my heart and be cold towards people. You may say that I believe people too easily and that may be true to a certain degree, but if you know me well, you will know that to me trust is something you have to gain from me. Well I guess what I'm really saying is that I believe that a stronger person is the one who knows what's coming and embrace it like a friend and not become someone who's cold towards others with a heart that's harder than stone. This is just what I think, you might have a different opinion. ^^ You choose your own logic.

I've grown stronger as a person because I've finally learnt that everyone has weaknesses and I have learnt to accept mine. And sometimes, we need someone to help us get back up on our feets when we are down. These people who are willing to be there regardless of the time, are the ones that I will treasure for life as my friends - the ones I can truly say are my real friends. I truly thank you all for helping me and just being there when no one is around. You are the treasures of my life - and you know who you are.. ^^

:: The harder the heart becomes, the easier it'll break ::

Who Am I?

2007-07-28T21:56:00.000+08:00

Your view on yourself: You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Goodbye...

2007-07-25T01:51:00.000+08:00

I've had time to write a book
About the way you act and look
But I haven't got a paragraph
Words are always getting in my way
I feel as though my tongue were made of clay
I'm not a man of poetry
Music isn't one with me
Anyway, I love you
That's all I have to tell you
That's all I've got to say
Now that everything has change
And I know that we'll never be
Goodbye and may we meet again someday...

-- Mark --
@>-'---
Withering Rose Poetry™

:: Sometimes, what matter most is the presence not the words ::

Love or Infactuation? - Part 2

2007-07-22T10:42:00.000+08:00

So as promised, (although I took longer than I thought I would to write this here) here is part 2 of Love or Infatuation. I know that by the end of part 2, whoever reads both parts will have a better understanding of what love and infatuation is. With the better understanding of the topic, I can only hope that it'll help those who read it.

An infatuated person tends to have a false sense of security in the relationship and expresses it in possessiveness, jealousy or unreasonable demands for exclusive rights to time and space over the other person's activities in life. Love has a security based on mutual respect and trust, honestly and faithfulness. Needless to say, all these takes time to cultivate. If a person professes to you too quickly that they cannot live without you or you are my only reason for living, proceed with caution because it is unlikely to be an expression of love so much as it is a sign of dependency.

What I'm saying is not to condemn infatuation but for a mature heterosexual love relationship to develop, it should not be based merely on infatuation. As long as both sides are focus on loving one another and working things out with a willing heart, things would most likely work out. Love is a topic that the Bible talks about the most. But then if you really want to know what it says about love, 1 Corinthians 13 says it all;

Love is patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable or touchy.

It does not hold grudges and will hardly notice when others do it wrong.

It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth prevails.

If you love someone you will be loyal to him/her no matter what the cost.

You will always believe in him/her, always expect the best of /him/her, and always stand you ground in defending him/her.

All the special gifts and powers from God will someday come to an end, but love goes on forever.

Someday prophecy, and speaking in unknown languages, and special knowledge will disappear...

But there are 3 things that will remain - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of all these is LOVE.

Infatuation may be the start of genuine love, but it should not end there...

So from here, we know that love grows with time and with that said, one cannot just love a person without actually knowing that person and accepting who he/she is. Love is like a seed that needs an equal amount for water and sunlight - care - where too much of either will kill the seed before it has a chance to grow. Standing together through thick and thin is how love grows - giving up and letting go is never the answer to love, it only kills it.

Reflections :
From what was said, I guess that at a point of time I was infatuated with her too and soon the seed of love begin to grow. However, I realized that the growth of our love is different. With every problems we face and got through together, my love for her deepens. But I think it's the other way around for her. Which is rather sad to be honest. I have also deduced that she has failed to understand me as a person and who I am - I'm only human and I too make mistakes - but to her it seems like making mistakes is not an option to me. To be honest, I cannot say that she truly felt love for me or that she's infatuated. But from her actions, (minus the feelings that might be in her right now) I can say that she is probably infatuated but she never let love grow properly. But again, that is just what I have deduced from what I can observe and I can be as wrong as the next guy who reads this. Again, I'm only human.

:: Love is like a rose, look at the flower and it's beautiful, look at the stalk and you see thorns ::

Memories Of My Poetic Past

2007-07-17T12:29:00.000+08:00

I was reading through my blog in friendster and I wonder how I was able to write poems last time. Anyway, here's a few I wrote a long time ago - would like to share it with you.

What Should My Answer Be?

Down at the river of fire
There my thoughts linger
Unsure of what to do
Or even where to go
Uncertain is one’s future
And that is all I’m sure
Afraid of what the future hold
I’m like an uncertain flock of doves
Unable to move forward
I felt a little awkward
Unsure if I should go south
Or should I explore the north
Confused, astounded and visions hazy
I feel my head getting a little dizzy
The answers are with me
Yet what should it be?
Dare I move into lands unknown?
Or should I stay here all alone?
Answers needs to be told
But, will it forever hold?
Perplexed, I sat staring into the night
Wondering upon the far distant light
Asking questions that I cannot answer
Yet, it’s staring at me like a burning fire
Answers I must definitely find
But where can I find such a kind?
The future is what we cannot see
So what should my answer be?

--Mark--

*All copyrights reserved @ Mark Ong ~ 2005*

December 26, 2005

If I could, I surely would

If I could, I would catch a wishing star
Though I know that it is very far
Above the heavens where the moon is bright
It shines softly with it's heavenly light

If I could, I would share my wished with you
To make your skies above forever blue
Take away all your childhood fears
And to always be there to kiss away your tears

If I could, I would try to make you smile
And make it travel for over a mile
Hoping that it'll be spread along the way
Like a contagious disease every single day

If I could, I would be there whenever you fall
Pick you up and make you feel forever tall
Help you along all tribulations that you see
Even if I have to fly accross the great blue sea

If I could, I would give you wings
With it I'll show you many things
All around the world we'll surely go
So just relax and move along with the flow

If I could, I would like to watch you grow
Answer your questions when you do not know
I'll also be there to lend you my ear
So all your troubles I'll also hear

If I could, I would wak you down the street
Stop by at Coffee Beans, it'll be my treat
Tell you some jokes while we drink
And give you some riddles to make you think

If I could, I would make you treasure this time
And try to make it forever rhyme
As I look deep into your soft brown eyes
It somehow reminds me of the heavenly skies

If I could, I would make you see
That together we're meant to be
As long as our love is patient and kind
We'll continue to respond with an open mind

If I could, I would say "I love you" again and again
Though I know there is really nothing to gain
Do you know that if I could
Then I surely would

--Mark--
*All copyrights reserved @ Mark Ong ~ 2005*

My One True Love

The wind blows as I watched the leaves dance
Thinking of the things I did in the past
As the river continues to flow on other side of the fence
I felt that I have lost the tune to my poetic sense
I search the skies above, it is ever blue
For what I have lost, I have found you
The trees so green, envy is what others will do
My only wish is that you understand me too
For wisdom, I look to the stars above
Seeking counsel, I found nothing but love
Looking into your eyes, I see a thousand doves
Heart beating, I wonder if I have found my one true love
I was admiring the silvery moon glittering on the lake
When I wonder to myself, what am I doing up so late
I gather all I have and waltz back to my nice warm bed
While the night ends, I wish that we can only meet
Though I do not know who you are,
I will always wait Waiting ever so long, I cannot meddle with fate
Guess I will go back to my sleep as it is really late
Till the time when we are to meet, God will keep you save

--MarK--

*All copyrights reserved @ Mark Ong ~ 2005

Well, there's lots more that are not posted anywhere else. Anyway, see ya guys soon. Will be posting part 2 of Love or Infatuation soon - I promise! >_<

:: No matter how dark the tunnel is, there'll be an exit somewhere - just head for the light ::

Turn The Other Cheek

2007-07-13T10:22:00.000+08:00

I was reading the bible this morning and I came across Luke 6:27 - 36. Before this, I was praying for God to help me get over my past and my hurt. But then the funny thing is, the more I pray to forget the more I remembered. So then I got so frustrated that I kept thinking that God is really cruel. However, last night as I was drifting off to bed, and somehow I heard "Do good to those who hate you and bless those who call down curses on you. Pray for those who treat you badly." I stood right up wondering what the heck in the world was all that about. As I was really tired, I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling cold and alone. So I picked up the bible on the computer and started to flip through the pages of the bible hoping for some thing I can just read - then I stop flipping. I was checking my mail at the same time and was talking to Eric at that point. After that I look at the Bible which is now open to *gasp* Luke 6:27 - Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those whocurse you, and pray for those who spitefully used you. I just sat there staring at the verse wondering what is God trying to tell me - I have a feeling that God wanted to me turn my anger and frustration to forgiveness and kindness. But then that is just so hard to me to do and I can't do this. I just can't not after all the pain and suffering that I've gone through. It hurts too much and I don't know how long I can take anymore of this - and still the verse stared at me.

After like 10 minutes, I read through the whole thing from Luke 6: 27 - 36. I realized something at that point of time. Why should I even treat someone coldly and unkindly just because of what that person did to me? Why should I even lower my standards just to accommodate someone else's? It just didn't make any sense anymore. So I've made up my mind. Even if it hurts me till no end, rejoice for the grace of God is upon me to give me strength and the will to follow His words. I will not falter as long as I know God is with me, for He will be there again and again to pick me up when I fall. Have mercy just as He has mercy upon those who were evil and not thankful.

Prayer:

Dear God, I come before Your throne asking You for Your forgiveness for the way I have been, the things that I've done. I ask You to fill me with Your mercy and grace that I may be able to do the same unto others. I cannot do this all by myself but I know that with You by my side and in my heart, I'm able to do anything through You. I now ask in Your name that You have mercy on those who have done me wrong and who judged me before they even know my true intentions to what I did. I pray that You hold me in Your arms and help me through this storm that is raging in my heart. I pray that You bring me to the eye of the storm that I may be safe again and let my heart be at peace once more. Fill my heart with joy and happiness that I may be the person that I am once again, for now my heart weeps in bitterness and anger. Renew my trust in the people I come across that I may once again find hope among those who are sincere in their hearts and pure in their intentions. I pray God that You help me find these people that I myself will begin to do the same once more. Let this people remind me that I must do what is right and not what is easy and hold on to my principles for I have fallen deep into the pits of darkness. I pray that You help me out of the darkness that surrounds me. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!!

:: Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, pray for those who treat you badly - Luke 6:27-28 ::

Love or Infatuation? - Part 1

2007-07-12T11:28:00.000+08:00

If anyone noticed, I have been really quiet of the past few days. The reason for this is simple. I've been looking for answers to some of the questions that I asked. I know Eric has explained to me about love and all but I want it in terms of feelings and expression. What are the things that you can do or will be willing to do for love and what about infatuation? Where does that come in? What I've found out made me realized something - that I might have been the fool all this while. ^^ Let me give you some insight of what I've found out.

Infatuation may happen suddenly and without warning. While love grows, and like everything else that grows, it takes time no matter how quickly it may be. Love seeks to produce growth in a relationship and that requires effort and even sacrifice, whereas infatuation often daydreams and may remain just that. Love is calm and steady and intensifies slowly but surely. Infatuation cannot wait to be flattered, insisting upon an ever-intensifying relation of emotional commitment. Infatuation arises when a single or a few characteristics of an acquaintance attracts you. Love developed from an appraisal of the total person - both in strength and weaknesses. A person who seeks a stable love relationship will ask searching questions such as "would I want him or her to be the parent of my children; the kind of person whom I would be proud to introduce to my relatives and friends? The person whom I would want to live with for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health? Can he or she be my constant companion whom I can trust to work out my daily problems with, or endure life's crises with beyond just coping with budget constraints, housing matters and children upbringing?".

Infatuation thrives on a mental picture of the other person, a fantasy image which is largely based on idealization, unsupported and unchecked by reality. The attractive points are exaggerated because this is desired; the weaknesses are too threatening to be addressed because they cannot withstand the test of reality. The heart feels so much, too much indeed, that the mind can no longer think clearly. Love is not blind, but infatuation is partially, if not totally blind.

An infatuated person may be "in love" with more than one partner at a time. Genuine heterosexual love is considerate and focuses only on one person - the one it professes to love. It takes time and effort to relate to, and nurture instead of hurting. On the other hand, infatuation only needs certain romantic props and on thinks one is in love. This can happen at any time with any person or persons simultaneously. - END OF PART 1

Reflections :
So from what is said above I can say with absolute confidence that I do love her. And from her actions, I can assume that all this while she might have just been infatuated with me. With a simple reason that when trouble comes along she runs away to another. She was not willing to face the reality that was heading her way that love is about sacrifices and willingness to share good and bad times together. It might seem to her that she love me to no end but from her actions alone I can tell where her heart truly lies. All those who knows me, they will know that I took a while to think about it before deciding to start a relationship with her. Here's the reason why, I was asking myself questions I stated above and a little more. I wanted to be sure that she is the one that I can trust and confide in. But I guess I made the wrong decision? For those of you who knows me and that happened, please leave your comments and 2 cents worth. I would really like to know what you think. By the way, I'm still suffering from the pain of loss and yes, I still grieve for the love I've loss. That is why I said in the beginning that I guess I am the fool all this while. ^^

Well, part 2 will be out in a couple of days time. Take care ya'll! ^^

:: Love is not blind, infatuation is partially, if not totally blind ::

Once In A Not So Long Ago

2007-07-09T02:07:00.000+08:00

It's 2am and I can't sleep so I decided to blog. I don't know why but tonight for some reasons I keep having this image of her smiling when I was with her. I remembered her smiles and laughters when I wrote her a valentine's day poem. I remembered her smile and the joy I see in her when she gave me my birthday present. I remembered the times we just laughed and talked about nothing but we had fun anyway. I remembered the look on her face when I gave her a soft toy doggy for her birthday present. I can never forget that look in her eyes. It was pure happiness. Happiness I have so long forgotten. I remembered the time she helped me out in MV while I was working there. I remembered she was so happy just being able to drive to MV on her own. I remembered setting up the Christmas tree with her at my house. It was her first time setting up a tree and you can see her glowing with joy and pride. I remembered the night we spend together just watching the Christmas tree glowing. Without even saying anything we both felt happy together. I remembered listening to her voice in the middle of the night even if it's 3am in the morning just to tell me she missed me. I remembered when she was angry. I remembered when she was sad. I remembered when she just wanted me there with her. I remembered everyday I spent my time with her. And all of those times... I see happiness glowing in her eyes. I see the joy in her eyes. I really missed that... I really missed her smiles... her laughters... her voice... I missed her hugs... her kisses...

But all that is gone... no longer will I see all that again. What I've seen in the past and the joy and happiness that grew in me with each passing day is now gone. No matter how I wish things to be different now, it will never be... I'm so broken... These memories I wish to forget will haunt me for the rest of my days... I'm so broken inside I can no longer express my pain... I can no longer express my hurt. I can no longer express the way I feel. I'm lost...

:: I still LOVE you! Won't you come back to me and make us whole again? ::

"My Happy Ending"

2007-07-07T14:14:00.000+08:00

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friendsI know what they say
They tell you I'm difficultBut so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do [CD version]

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Just something I felt like putting up. It's kinda reflecting on how I feel. Time to move on even though part of me will always be with her. *sigh* oh well...

:: Your greatest mistakes will happen because of impatience ::

Change of Time

2007-07-06T09:50:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago, I've met up with an old friend. He introduced me to a friend of his who just recently got dumped by her bf because of online games. I really wonder sometimes what really goes on in the mind of these people? How can a game be more important than the people they love? How can a game blind them and draw them away from the people whom they cared about? I just don't see how this works - except for addiction.

In my opinion, the game has become like some drug in which the gamer is the drug addict. People get hooked to the drug because of what it can do. But in terms of addiction, it's the brain secreting an enzyme which makes a person high or happy with what they have achieved. Take gambling for instance, when one gambles and he/she wins the bet, the brain will produce this "happy" enzyme and make a person want more of what just happened. And the more of this enzyme is produced the more addicted they become of gambling. Same thing goes to the game I suppose. In a way, that blinded the person from certain truths in which they prefer to just run away and leave their problems behind. It's a sickness.

So is there a "cure" for this sickness then?

Well, if drug addicts can get "cured" through rehabilitation then I the answer is yes. Unfortunately, in terms of a game addict, the only way they can be "cured" is either they wake up to face reality because something significant happened (like a loss of something in which they suddenly realized) or reality hits them hard in the face. That will be the point in which they will begin to think and they will wake up to face reality. However, it depends on how much are they willing to change for themselves. If their will power is not strong enough, they'll fall yet again into the addiction because they prefer to make things easy for themselves. It's a choice between what's right and what's easy.

The world nowadays have changed dramatically. It seems like what's not important has become important to a lot of people and what's really important has been pushed aside. It seems that the priorities of the world is slowly changing and it's destroying everyone's lives. It seems that the good has become the bad and the bad is suddenly more appealing to the public. How and why did the world come to this? Where did it all happen? I guess that answer will never have an answer.

Till the next time ya'll. God bless and take care.

:: Sometimes it's easier to forgive then to bear a grudge against another for what wrong they did ::

Letting Her Go

2007-06-22T11:51:00.000+08:00

^^ I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but last night i did the biggest sacrifice that I can do and that I have done in my life. Last night, I wanted to find out to see if I really did change because I know that yes, at a certain degree I did change but i still feel like I'm the same person as I am when we started out the relationship. So the only way I can find out is to read her previous blog entries. After a couple hours on her blog just looking through and reading what she wrote. I realized how much I actually love her and also how much she actually look up to me and respected me as her man. I know she did that I just didn't realized how much. And I did last night.

What I've learn from last night's episod of reading through her blog was that what I did was justified in a sense that she begin to spend more time on the game than with me. Previously it was the opposite but then I listened to her because she was right. She's more important to me than the game and I don't want to lose her because of a game which I don't think I will be playing forever anyway. And so, thinking back, what I did was actually to make her realize that she's been spending too much time on the game and she's beginning to neglect everything around her. Including me.

But at that point of time she was too hard headed to listen and she refuses to listen because I'm sorta pulling her out from what she enjoyed. She has no idea that she's gonna throw out her life and her gf just because of it. As time goes by, I begin to complain and whine a lot because I want to make the game as hard as possible for her in hope that she'd just stop playing. But of course she didn't. And to top it all off, she got comfy with another guy in game because he understands her needs in the game and all. And because of that she begin to feel attracted to this guy. Although it's not the right reasons to, I don't blame her for she was blinded and she just needed someone to support her views and that was the person who did it. He don't really care if she fails her exams, he don't give a damn if she flunk. From where I stand I feel that he's reeling her in and will manipulate things to use her later on. I don't even want to think of that at the moment but God save her - please don't make it too late.

Anyway, thinking back again, the main reason is because of the game and I was right to blame it. Yesterday after reading her entries I realized that her love for me was real. But at this point of time she's lost and she just gave up because of a series of unfortunate event which unfortunately includes my mom interfering. However, after reasoning with her, I found that what my mom wants is for us to be happy and she'll in time accept and be happy too. I tried to tell her that but she has already made up her mind. So there is really nothing else I can do.

Then I thought about it and I realized that all I ever wanted was to make her happy and be with her. So then I realized, if by letting her go I can make her happy then I'm willing to suffer and let her go. When I realized this I also realized that it'll be the hardest thing I'm gonna be doing. I just cried.. and cried.. and cried.. I have no idea how long did I cried for but I do know that if I had a choice I would past this burden to someone else. And I know no one else can do that for her but me. And so, after I've dried my tears, I took a deep breath and I smsed her telling her that I can let her go because I love her and I'm letting her go. As long as she is happy I have no reasons why I can't be happy too. Although I know by doing that it'll hurt me till no end I am willing to suffer and face the consequences. I also said that if she ever need a friend to be there for anything at all, just feel free to look me up and I'll be there. I told her to take care and be happy and may God bless her always.

I know that she'll never call me or look me up because of whatever reasons she might have and it's pointless telling her that too. I'l be happy if she actually read my sms through. I'll be eternally grateful if she actually listened to me and read her blog entries. But of course, I know better ^^ and I know she won't do that. I also know that she will not call me up anytime soon or ever again. So I guess that's that. There is nothing else I can say or do. I told her I will not bother her again and if she called or contact me somehow I will not ask to start afresh again. I just made the ultimate sacrifice of love. I didn't even know I'm capable of such a feat. Anyway till next time, God bless ya'll and take care. ^^

:: Love is about sacrifices - enough said ::

Heart Broken

2007-06-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

Well, I don't know where to start really. At this point of time it's just sad that two hearts and love one another can't be together anymore. One is willing to go through the hardship but the other is not willing to do anything about it for God knows why. I really love her alot and till now I still do. I still want things to work out and I've gave everything to make things right. And then when things can finally be fix, it seems like all of a sudden one party just wanna give it all up. Give up everything that we've worked so hard together for. I'm willing to start over and go slow this time but what's the point when I'm the only one clapping my hands?

I know that inside she loves me still, and I don't know how deep her love for me is. But if God is willing I pray that she will suddenly feel like things CAN be fix and it just needs time and we have to work on it together then all is good. But even though God brought us together as one. And even though the signs shows that we're meant for each other, it seems that for some reason things are not going that way at the moment. In fact, it's heading the opposite direction. I feel that I want to trust in God but at the moment I just don't know how.. to be honest I have doubts but I have nothing else to lose. So I believe that God will somehow intervene soon and make things right for us.

Anyway, when I think about it, there are many things I would do differently if we can start over. And I also find myself accepting her as who she is and I don't seem to want it any other way. She's just prefect in my view. Although there are things that she do that's not right and all everyone is like that. I couldn't ask for more with her. That's one thing I've come to realized. But then at this point of time I should get on with life and move on.. I should pick myself up and get on with life even though I'm gonna bleed along the way because of this. I still have to go on. Even though every step I take now will hurt me till no end I still have to go on. Every breath I take now has no meaning anymore but life goes on.

I have to set her free if I love her and I do love her. I have to let her go just because I love her. Although it hurts me till no end. I still have to do it. If she's letting me go, I never left. So I guess this is how things just come to an end. Though I wish and pray that this is only a dream and things are different. I wish that I can hold her hand and feel her body against mine when I hug her. I wish I can still whisper in her ear to tell her I love her like I used to. There are many things I want to do with her, places I want to go with her. But it's the end... and she wants it this way... Guess I have to cancel the surprise I had install for her... well, this is where I say my goodbyes..

Goodbye my dear. You will always remain in my heart till the day I die. I will not forget you for my love for you is real. Today, I let set you free... fly away and be happy with your life... take care and may God bless you forever... T_T

:: Hardest thing to do is loving someone and watching them walk away ::

I Love Her So Much But I Don't Know Why

2007-05-27T00:17:00.001+08:00

I was looking thru some memorial photos and I came across this folder titled "Memories". One photo kinda made me feel as though all happiness is gone from me now when it was there in the past. I was reminded of how happy I've been and how much I've changed. But I also realized, I wasn't the only one who changed. My gf changed too.. and when I look at the photo of her filled with happiness in her eyes, I realized I see sadness in her more than happiness now. Why did we change so much that it effected us in such a negative way? What did we do that made this changes? Where did we go wrong? So many questions but so hard to find the answers. Maybe it's self-denial?

Here's a photo when she looked so happy and we both respected one another so much that we can talk about anything without having to get annoyed or angry. In fact that didn't happen until the year 2007 arrived.

My girlfriend (Sher May) during happier times. Her eyes sparkle with happiness and joy, can you see it?

I really missed that look in her eyes... the look that's filled with so much happiness you can see it flow out from her. Come to think of it, maybe I asked the wrong questions earlier I should have asked instead "How can we make us both happy with one another again bringing back the smile in our eyes?". Sigh... dear? if you are reading this I want to let you know (along with everyone else who reads or come across my blog) that I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH!! Can we learn to compromise with one another? And do our best not to hurt one another? I really want to see you smile like that again...

:: Love needs no reason, just a heart and the willingness to sacrifce and give more than you take ::

Movies Week

2007-05-26T19:52:00.000+08:00

Last week was a rather surprisingly great week. My gf and I went for movie twice. The first movie we watch was Spidey 3 and the 2nd was Pirates. Both the movie was really worth it in my opinion. But what I enjoyed the most was not the movie. It was the company I had. After weeks of arguing this one week was a great relieve probably not only to me alone but to her as well. It seemed that we have finally come to terms of some situations what we had. And once again my gf treats me really well like how she used to. Although, it's strange all of a sudden it seemed that she don't want to see me as much compared to last time. I don't know what the reason is but I can take a guess. However, I don't think I want to mention this much.

Anyway, we went for the PKO event and well.. it was pretty ok. But I don't really like it much. Here's the reasons why not;
Firstly : the people who are there for the auction all seemed as though they know what they are doing but they don't. For crying out loud who wants spends rm1k on some stuffs in games? >_>"

Secondly : whoever created this game and event is laughing with their pockets full of money..

Third : Something happened which pissed me off but I don't wanna disclose what happened here. And I shope nothing like that ever happens again. >_>

Fourth : I don't even know why I was there and what to expect. So it wasn't that fun to me but on the other hand we (my gf and I) bought some stuffs and won some prizes which is pretty good I suppose. ^^ At least she seemed happy so I'm good with it.

Well that's about it I suppose. Anyway I have to rush for Monday. I have to submit my late work which is really not my fault but I have to anyway. So yeah... updates soon. Take care ya'll~!

:: When there's nothing to hide, don't react in a negative manner because there is no reason why you should ::

What Have I Been Up To?

2007-01-30T21:46:00.000+08:00

Actually I've been thru so much in the past few months that I don't really know how to put into words. So to make things simple, lets just say that the road is not always smooth for me. But at the moment everything is going really great. I have a great start to the year 2007 and I'm planning to keep it that way. Of course I'll still have to experience many more trials and tribulations, but isn't that just part of life?

Anyway, the month of November 2006 was a really stressful time for me. All the submission rush and not to mention the fact that I have to work on the week of my exams. Isn't that really great? But thankfully I have time to study during work which is good because I've forgotten half of what I've learnt. After handing in all the assignments and going thru ONE exam. I was free! But then little did I know that I have other things waiting for me in the coming month.

Month of December 2006! Oh wow! What a brialliant month. Christmas around the corner and I have to do all the Christmas shopping and decorations before that. My girlfriend helped me with the Christmas tree decorations and we went Christmas shopping together too! It was really fun. Then there was one day where we watched a movie and after that we headed to this really fancy restaurant and ate half a lobster each! ^^ Yeah it was so much that we had left over grape juice!! ><>

January 2007 came and I soon found myself on a plane to Beijing, China (although I was kinda down because I couldn't see my dearest during our 1 year anniversary before I left). My family and I went on a tour. It was so cold that my nose was frozen for the first 2 days.. or was it 3? But eventually I got used to it and all's good. The snow already fell a few days before we arrived so all was left was some melting snow. It felt more like ice than snow. Anyway, got back and lo and behold. I registered my semester a day late because of a mistake I made (talk about wanting to make life better). What a great way to start my sem. So far everything has been going really well and I want to keep this up. It's coming to the end of the month and seems like I've carried myself thru the month of January pretty well cause I had some arguement with my girlfriend due to some misunderstanding but it's all good now. Seems like all problems are solved in a very professional manner so I'm happy about everything.

Well, so that's about sums up all that's been happening for the past 3 months. Of course in detail there are a lot more going on and if I'd to put everything down in words, It'll take me a long time. So lets not do that. ^^ Anwyay, I shall go off now, so take care and God bless!

:: What's the point of having a new resolution every year when it was never completed year after year? ::

Disagreements And Misunderstandings

2006-11-29T11:17:00.000+08:00

Recently for the past couple of weeks, things have been going terribly wrong. Everything I do seemed to go wrong somehow or the other. I felt as though the whole world is against me... even my body is acting on me. So in the end, I decided to just let things be and go on with what I have to do one thing at a time. Eventually everything settled... but as one thing got settled another problem rised. At one point I really felt like giving up. Giving up on everything I've put so much time and effort into. Giving up on life itself - I just don't feel like eating. I couldn't sleep at night which made the day after that worse than before. After some time things got settled by themselves and when things seem to get better... disagreements and arguements came in.

Man my life can sometimes really suck big time. And so, knowing myself, I quickly handle the situation but it seems that by the end of it, either parties were left unhappy even though it's settled. Kinda hard to be living in an environment where you get this almost everyday. One thing after another. It's really hard. Thinking back, I really don't know what went wrong where. It seems that even small matters can be made big just because the people involved seemed really unhappy about it and wanted to make it known by making it a big issue.

Anyway, this semester kinda sucks for me too... I have to rush a lot for the past month almost everyday. And I have to sacrifice time from one of my subjets to cope with another which turns out to be a horrible mistake. But then things are done and cannot be undone. So I have to bear with it and hope for the best. Although things don't seem very bright at the moment but somehow or the other I hope this too will settle itself and be better than I hoped.

So that's that... I don't really know what I've learnt from all this, but maybe I'll be able to when I think back again sometime soon on what happened. Till that time, I'm signing off now. Take care ya'll.

:: Reflections can be good and bad at the same time, it all depends on how you view it ::

~poke poke~

2006-10-09T16:45:00.001+08:00

hehehe~ this bloggie has been invaded with the lyn bug~! and the lyn bug rawrs~ listen...

RAWR!!!! X3

see what i mean? everyone beware!!!! bwahahaha~! ^^v mmm.. now that i'm here.. what to do, what to do~~? okay! *pretends to be Mark*

in a serious tone: today it rained. i drove to school for class and noticed the haze. then.. err.. then.. err.... ARRGH i cant do this! *faints*

ah well.. so much for pretending to be him. haha~! mmm.. notty lyn! shouldnt be invading people's bloggie like this! *scolds self*
okay... *sniffles* T.T

well, since he doesnt update much and i'm bored, thought i'd type in something to fill it up a bit! ^^ nyaahaha~! =3 well, should go now before i talk too much and end up getting scolded T.T

laters people!!!!!!!! *waves and disappears in a "POOF!"*

-lynnie wuz here- <---graffiti-ed here permanantly!

When Shit Happens

2006-09-19T12:38:00.000+08:00

The thing I hate most in the world is arguing with my mom. It's not like I like to argue with her in the first place nor am I going to start anything with her. The problem is, she likes to create this arguements with or without her knowledge. For a very long time now I've not done anything whenever she said anything about me. I refused to. Then last Saturday I had enough of it and exploded. I mean that the hell does she want? Everything that goes missing in the house I'll get the blame. Anything that goes wrong I'll get the blame. Why can she just keep her pie-hole shut? If there is no need to say anything then don't! it's as simple as that and yet she can't do it. Even when there is nothing to say she'll find something to say. Can't I have a lil peace and quiet at home? When I do my assignments till late cause I don't have a freaking choice she makes noise. When I don't do anything she makes noise. When I want to relax and play some games she makes noise. When I go out with some friends she also make noise. Like the hell? Is there no end to the noise she makes?

Sigh... my life is such a pain. Anyway enough said, I'm going to do something productive.

:: Life sometimes really sucks but there's nothing that can be done ::

Friends and Time

2006-09-12T20:19:00.000+08:00

Recently I've thought about what I'm doing and what are my friends doing. Then I came to the state where I realized that I'm so busy nowadays that I don't even have time to actually call anyone up to even say hi. I'm beginning to wonder if my life as a student is really that hectic to the point that I have lost myself into a realm where nothing really matter but my assignments (and my girlfriend of course). The thing is I don't really get to spend time with her either... ><" I've lost touch with more than half of myt friends whom I was close to at a point of time. And now the only ones I keep in contact with either seemed so far away or I couldn't really meet up with any of them. My assignments have officially taken control over my life. Every aspect of my life from the time I sleep to what time I eat is somewhat controlled by my assignments. I feel that my life at this point of time is getting from bad to worse. Just a few days ago, my best friend from primary school called me up - and here I thought I've lost contact with him. So this time I'm taking charge and we are meeting up on the weekend regardless of what happens. I have to do something about my schedule too. I need more time so that I can do other things like spend time with my parents (yes I haven't really been doing that and they are starting to feel attention deprived ><) and my girl (I bet she feels lonely too although she understand that I have to go through all this).

Anyway, with all that said. I'm gonna have to get back to my assignments now. Yeah I have assignments due everyday. And this one is due tomorrow~! What the hell am I doing here? I should be doing my work right now. Take care ya'll~! *runs off to finish up his assignments*

:: Do you really believe in fate or yourself more? ::

Time

2006-07-24T17:47:00.000+08:00

A couple of days back, I watched this movie titled The Lake House with my gf. The movie is a good movie, well at least to me. The story is good although there are many rooms for questions of changes in the time line. However that is also what made me write this entry in the first place. Something about the movie made me think about certain things that I could have done many years back. Yeah, you can call it regret or memories of an unpleasent past or whatever you want. But to me, it's as real as anything you can hold and touch.

What went through my head was mainly the question, "what if I know what the future holds, what would I do differently then?". It's easy for us to say that if we know what our future will be, we'll change it so that it's better. But think about it, if you know about the future and can see into the future, will you actually do anything about it? Will you be able to chance the timeline? here's an example scenerio; say someone comes up to you and gives you the ability to see into the future for a brief moment. Then you look into the future because you decided that it can only bring good. What you saw shocked you instead and you are now trembling with fear because you have looked into the future and it ain't good (imagine something up yourself. ie: you are in jail, bankrupt, etc). So what are you going to do now? Think about this for the next 5 minutes before continuing your reading. Reflect on what can be done and what you could do or not do.

I'm assuming that you have thought about it and came to a conclusion of what you are going to do whatever the ending of the scenerio is. And I'm also sure that whatever the outcome is, all of you who reads this or at least most of you will be thinking, "I want to do something so that it will not happen". Correct me if I'm mistaken there. Anyway, here comes a question that will get you thinking even more. What if the decision that you made, is the decision that will lead you to that worse case scenerio? What if you saw into the future and what you decide to do after that is the actions that will lead you to what you have just seen? So then, you have just looked into a future that is coming to you and you cannot stop it can you? So there's a new twist to the time line there.

However, the other question is, what if you will still end up there no matter what you do? It's like fate. And many people out there believe in fate because they cannot take control of their lives. Many people do not want to take the responsibility for their actions and thus they say it's fate. Is it fate if you die in a car accident when you are the one driving at 180km/h? Or did you bring that upon yourself? So whatever the time is, past, present, and the future, time will always be an issue. There will be a repetition in everything. Failure, regret, deaths and many more. So what's this got anything to do with time and the movie?

Well, I basically got to the conclusion that if I have time to do all sorts of unproductive activities, I can also be productive with time instead. But some of us have excuses like, "no money, no time, too much commitment, it won't work, pointless" and the list goes on. So how has this changed my life? Well, for now I have a refreshed state of realization of the mistakes I've been doing over and over again. So I'm going to do something about it although I don't know what it is yet. It's that simple. well that's all for now and I'm sure that after you read this some of you will think of the past, and some the present, and most important of all the future. Take care ya'll!

:: Living life to the fullest is making use of time to the fullest and not rot away with it ::

Good Mood Turned Bad

2006-06-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

You know when you have one of those days that you really feel good about everything that you do? Yeah, that was what I had today, but then I got home slept, wake up and suddenly everything sucks. I don't think I want to elaborate anymore about why it suddenly went bad. I'm not in the mood to talk about it, and I'm kinda pissed. Then again, at the same time I'm feeling as though maybe I might be wrong. Sigh... I'm getting a headache and I can't sleep tonight because I need to complete my work. Enough said. So I'll sign off now.

Take care ya'll. See ya.

:: It takes a lot to make your day but a second to turn it around - that sucks ::

When Things Go Wrong

2006-05-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

I’ve just realized that sometimes giving advice is easier than actually doing it. Why am I saying this? Well, the thing about giving advice is that you’re not having the problems, someone else is. And although your solution might seem to be the right thing to do and probably the best, it’s another thing to actually do it. Recently, I’ve gotten into quite a lot of silly arguments with my gf. And honestly it totally sucks. The weird thing is that all those advice I give to people did not come to my head at once. Actually anger got the better hold of me and I know that by nature that is not even healthy for both parties, and not to mention the relationship.

The other ironic thing is when another friend gave the same advice I gave him. How’s that for pay it forward? I really wonder sometimes what can be done to solve these kind of problems and here I am having it. What my friend told me kind of get me thinking. Why didn’t I keep it cool when I’m supposed to? How did things turn out this way in the first place? Actually why are we having this arguments? Why can’t we talk it out? It’s really quite silly. But what can be done about what’s already done? Nothing at all, it’s not like we can turn back time and undo the past.

Sometimes, even when things get really ugly, it will somehow solve by itself. So what is the best thing to do when things get heated up? Well, I’ve definitely learn something here and that is, if you hear something and you don’t like it, then don’t say anything cause you might say something you’ll regret later. However, when things do get heated up and if you realized that, the best thing to do is to just shut up and take a step back. Look at the situation and start analyzing the problem and how it started. Start asking the why questions to get to the root and sometimes what we find at the end it really quite funny to begin with.

So what is the best solution to most of the problems? Well, there is no solution really. The only thing that can be done is not to get the knot too tight so that you can untie it with ease. Well, that’s all folks. Take care ya’ll~!!

:: Days that end well are good days, be grateful ::

Meaning of Life?

2006-05-20T13:47:00.000+08:00

I was taking the train to Central Market today for site visit at the Post Office there. On the way there, I was reading some stuffs when I got tired of it and decided to look out the window. I've done that plenty of times but today was a little different. I felt as though I haven't spoken to myself (no I'm not crazy... just something that I do sometimes when I think... I talk to myself in my head) in a long time. As I was staring out the window, I saw people walking, driving, talking and so on. Then it hit me...

"Where are these people going? What are they doing? What have they experienced in life? What have they gone through? Does it really matter to me? No, I guess not. But then, why do people do the things that they do? It's like a routine day in and day out. Today is like all over again of yesterday and the day before and the day before that... Last week is the same as this week... this is week will probably be repeated next week. Everything we do has already been done by other people. Everything we do will be done again by people. So what is so great about what we do when it's already done? What is the point of doing something that others have already accomplished? There is no point really... yet we still do them anyway. Why do we live our lives in a way that we fight to live. Even though we live in a modern world and educated society, we are still living in a dog eat dog world. Regardless of how we look at it, the answers are the same. They all come to a single point. Common ground if you like. People say it all the time, yet we still live on and not see the sad truth that we live in. We are like programs of a computer system. We are created to and shaped to blend in with the current technology and then when we are out dated, we get replaced... deleted... thrown out... we die. So why do we still go on? Why do we fail to see the truth about what we do? What we do now, is it for us or the people around us? When are we going to realized that we live in a sad truth of a single answer to life. Most people ask and wonder what is the meaning of life. Yet we all fail to see the truth. Is that self denial or do we claimed that there is more to life and reject the truth. People say that everything we do is a choice, but what kind of choice do we have? Isn't our choice limited? So if it is, then how is that choice? The real choice that we have is really sad, and that is, to live or to die. We o on living because we chose to live. We die when we give up. But then again, when it's time for us to die, we don't have a choice do we? So, what is the answer to the question, what is the meaning of life? is actually found in our daily life. Everything we do tell us the truth. And the truth is that... THERE IS NO MEANING TO LIFE!"

It's sad that life is an endless circle. We are living in a world that everything is a repetition. Generations after generations. The only differences lies only in time, where technology becomes bettter and better, but if we look underneath all that, it's still the same regardless of which generation we look at, be it the past, present or the future. It's the same...

:: Are miracles really what we create or the work of God or can it be explained by a deeper understanding of life? ::

Time Grows Short... Yet Again

2006-05-14T21:30:00.000+08:00

It's really how ironic how my last post I was talking about time and now, here I am again laying out how time is again working against me. Well this is how it all begins.

SATURDAY
0800hours :
Alarm went off like crazy but as though I give a shit about it. It's a Saturday for crying out loud~! *shuts off the alarm and went back to bed*

0807hours :
The annoying alarm clock went off yet again. Getting annoyed I woke up rub my sleepy eyes and shut off the damn thing. Then I wondered why in the world is the alarm clock ringing on a Saturday morning when I was staring into a piece of paper that reads "ACAD TEST~! SATURDAY~!" At this point there was only chaos well hidden in the shadows of calmness.

0900hours :
I was supposed to leave now~! But what happened?? My stomach started aching and I went to the toilet...

0930 hours:
Test is starting now and I'm in class waiting for the test papers to be given out... Well that's bullshit. I'm driving to college at 354kmph --> more like 90kmph because I didn't want to get another ticket from the department of "saya-suka-bagi-saman". Yeah, it was one of the most painful moments of my life.. ><><"

1410hours:
Arrived at gf's place and was there to watch a movie and eat dinner at SS14 before heading back home.

2100hours:
Arrived home and am seriously tired. Went online before going off to sleep sometime around 23hours.

SUNDAY
1100hours:
Woke up to find that it's already 11am and started scolding self for waking up late. Went straight to work on the presentation materials and models

1400hours:
Lunch...

1412hours:
Back to work again... everything I do today is work related... sigh... what a pain...

1700hours:
Finally succumb to the tireness and decided to take a short break... which I started to regret later on because that short break turned out to be kinda long... Ok so it was really long... ^^

2000hours:
Went out to Hartamas to eat dinner... omg... I won't be able to finish my work... T_T

2130hours:
Finally arrived home... went straight back to work. Yeah work again... ><"

MONDAY
0200hours:
Took another break and went online. Apparently everyone is not sleeping tonight. ^^ Went back to finish up work 20 minutes later.

0600hours:
Finally completed everything... well almost... the other bit can't be completed due to lack to resources... ><" So decided to sleep.

1100hours:
Woke up thinking it's Sunday... when suddenly handphone rang... it's the organizer and it reads... "presentation today at 2" looks at time... OMG~!! 1130hours... T_T

1200hours:
Went to Subang and pick up gf for lunch and went off to college for presentation...

1300hours:
She helped me out on the models or what was left that was not done. ^^ Lucky me. *3 cheers for my gf*

1500hours:
Presentation officially started. Waited for my turn... *falls asleep...* nah.. just kidding.. actually was just waiting and waiting and waiting... and yeah it's kind of a long wait isn't it? XD But everyone is getting screwed from the lecturers. Well at least from 2 of the 4 lecturers... T_T I'm gonna die...

1900hours:
Finally it was my turn. But not after I moved my presentation stuffs here and there which in turn created some laughs. so I presented and... woah I did not get screwed... ^^" *phew* And I was worrying for craps.. >< oh well, happy that it went well.

2000hours:
Went to dinner. Kinda like a celebration. We ate at salmon steaks. Yeah my gf suggested it ^^V

So that's about it. Looks like sometimes things are not as bad as it seems. Kinda gives the term "confidence is what you have when you don't really understand the situation" a whole new term ^^ Anyway, thanx dear for being there with me when there is a possibility I could get screwed during the presentation. XD Love you lots.

:: There is a GOD. You better believe it ::

When Time Grows Short

2006-05-07T21:42:00.000+08:00

I've asked myself lots of questions before and the answers I gave myself are quite reasonable and some are unrealistic. However, there is one question that I asked myself a long time ago that I seemed to have forgotten. So what is that big question? Well, it is...

"WHAT WOULD I DO IF I KNOW THAT MY TIME IS ALMOST UP?"

Interesting ain't it? I'm sure many of us asked ourselves that question before. However, I've realized a big difference in asking the question and actually being put into that situation. Most people will probably go on talking about what they want to do and do it to the fullest. And yet, most who are not in that situation will do nothing even though they have a list of things to do that measures all the way to the North Pole. So why am I suddenly into this topic?

Well, I've recently experienced a series of sickness in a short period of time. One leads to another and it is rather annoying. Then something strike me, "what if my time is coming?". Well yes, it is shocking but it can happen. No one knows when they're time is up and that goes for me too, but that question really struck me deep into the core of my being. It had never done that before but I'm glad it did now.

This got me to a point where I realized that unless we are in the "hot zone", we will not realized how important our dreams are to us. Or what we really want to do with our lives. But isn't that point of time a little too late for some? So why is it when we have the opportunity to learn from other's mistakes we don't? It's something like asking smokers the question, "If you know smoking kills, why do you still smoke?". What kind of answer we probably get from them is what we basically answer unless we are at the point when our time on earth is numbered.

So, what would you do when you know what your time is numbered? Put yourself in that position and answer that question. If you actually start doing what you have answered or work towards that with a renewed passion, then you have fully understood what I've said here. But, if you don't, then all I can say is, that's just too bad.

ps: nothing is wrong with me. I just came to a point where I realized this that's all.

:: Time is precious, use it well ::

Amazing moments

2006-04-22T09:36:00.000+08:00

I've been to many places and heard many stories from many different people. From what I recall, most if not all of them have some amazing stories that they can tell from experiences that they had. Some of these stories are truly sad that it'll bring tears to your eyes yet somewhere along the line, something significant happens. Some of these stories are amazing not because they have a spectacular turn of events but because of what they manage to achieve through hardships and such.

Thinking it through and comparing my life with all these stories I've heard from people, I'd have to say I lived a life like a prisoner stuck in my cell ever since I could remember. I felt as though I'm tied down from being able to experience moments like these. Moments that I'll be happy and proud to share away. Moments where when shared it'll inspire people out there. In my life there has been many turn of events but they are definitely not spectacular. Instead, they are a painful kind of turn of events. Weird things is, I never did learn that life cannot be scheduled and laid on a blueprint where you follow it and it will happen the way it was planned. No... Life is mysterious, painful, funny, unpredictable and we have a timeline to experience it in a brief moment of time.

My uncle asked me sometime this year, "How has life been treating you?" and I really don't know what the answer should be to this question. Should I say, "Oh, it's been good to me" or "Oh, it's really awful" or "I really don't know... It's kinda all fuzzy..."? After sometime, I've come to realized that none of us can say how has life been treating us. Why? Because, no matter what our answer is, it's not really true because different times of our lives we experience different events. Life has it's ups and downs but the question is, why can't we make the best out of it? Because we're human? Because we're not perfect? Well, aren't those just excuses? Yeah it is isn't it?

Well, no matter what we have to learn to love life and live it the best we can in a society that is so sick that even mother nature is throwing up. That's all I know for now. If you are stuck in a sticky situation, crawl out if you have to - that's what I'm going to be doing regardless of how painfully long it will take. Although I don't have any events that's significant enough to be considered an amazing moment in my life, I will take initiative to learn what other's experienced in their life to improve myself. Well that's all for now. Take care ya'll ~!

:: Life's lesson is sometimes painful, but the important thing is that we learn it well ::

RANT~!

2006-04-05T16:02:00.000+08:00

HEAR ME RANT~!! I'm getting pissed with my parents at this moment. Yes, I love them and that whatever they do is probably for my own good. But one thing I cannot tolerate is nagging whole day long~! It's getting f**king annoying and I'm seriously annoyed to the point where I'm about to explode~! SOME PLEASE F**KING TELL THEM THAT THE COURSE I'M CURRENTLY DOING HAS NO F**KING EXAM~!!

Yes~! I am that pissed~!! I feel like punching the wall or someone or something but there is nothing I can throw my anger on. So what the hell am I suppose to do? I've completed my previous assignments and handed it all in and at this point of time I'm actually quite relaxed. Well for now anyways so I take this time that I have to relax my mind and all but what do I hear whole day long? "No work to do arr?" / "Everyday see you watch anime or playing games" / "Whole day on the computer nothing better to do is it?" DAMN AM I PISSED~!!

Well if you don't like this post the STFU~! I don't expect anyone to like it anyways. Yes when I'm pissed I'm really pissed so sue me. I better stop here now or more swear words are gonna appear on this screen you are reading. I can hear someone going "someone please think of the children" while reading my extremely vulgar post. Well they have to learn those words sooner or later with or without you anyways.

RANT OVER~!

:: Anger is a feeling. Feel the anger ::

Tired

2006-03-13T12:07:00.000+08:00

Since the beginning of this semester, I've been doing all I can to finish up all my work with my best effort and with everything that I have. Everything has been great so far. Well it would be if I wasn't so tired and I didn't procrastinate last Thursday on my assignment. I'm suppose to have completed 3 mock-up models of what I was suppose to do by today which well I didn't even get started on yet. This is bad? Hmm well it is... yet there is something behind this incident that I see.

You see last Thursday after class I was just too tired to do anything that'sphysically demanding and mentally challenging, and so I decided to do it on Friday instead. However, things didn't turn out so well for me as my handphone got stolen from me (pick-pockets). Feeling kinda gloomy I wasn't in the mood for anything. And so I spent the night talking to my dearest. Saturday I was out to college and we (my gf and I) caught a movie in Pyramid before heading to my house and later on dinner. Sunday was just as tiring and so today came.

I've been doing so many things that I feel tired mentally and physically during the night I couldn't help but fall to the temptation of the bed - to sleep! What do I see from here? Well, I'm only human and there are limits to so many things and the duration to what a human can do before tireness takes over. Unlike machines that can last longer in time duration and much more durable, they too will eventually need to stop working and have maintanence check. And because of this, I realized that we should not exert ourselves too much for too long or our body will soon fall sick and by then, we'll regret what we did but it'll be too late.

So this time, I'm going to do everything as fast as possible so that I do not have to go to the limit of working long hours just to complete something that I could have done ages ago. Lesson learnt. ^^ Well, that's about all for now. Take care all.

ps : Lyn it's nothing to do with you and not your fault. It's my own.

:: Procrastination and lazyness are partners in marriage ::

Right or Wrong Ethic?

2006-02-28T08:49:00.000+08:00

Being brought up in a country of multicultural background gives me a sense of pride in myself and the country itself. However, many of the country's citizens act as though they do not have proper education. What I meant by proper education is not the case of studying law or some other thing and graduate as a not-so-qualified lawyer. What I mean here is no proper ethical education. Why do I say something like that? Very simple.

If you were to take a drive from one place to another that takes at least 15 mins to 30 mins, you will find yourself caught in the system of abusive, aggressive, and some just plain idiotic drivers that causes dangerous situations where if one is not careful will find themselves with the tow-truck. The best thing about this drivers is the point that they don't care about others but themselves as long as they can get to where they want. I really dislike drivers like these.

I really think that the government should do something about the way drivers were given their license. Maybe they should make it harder to pass the driving test or something like that. Another thing is this, why is the speed limit for the driving test not above 50km/h when the moment the students get their license they'll probably got at a whopping 120km/h? Can't just make it so that the speed limit is according the to road they are using? I don't get it at all.

I also notice that some roads have hilariously ridiculous speed limits. It's just not logical at all for a straight road with 2 or 3 lanes to have a speed limit of 50km/h. Well if anoyone can tell me the reason please enlighten me. I'll be grateful. Anyway, enough about driver who thinks that the road belongs to them and drive at a speed that will bring them to death faster and weird speed limits. If you have any experiences that is related to these then please put them in the comment area. ^^

Before I leave, there is a thought that you can wonder upon. What do you think is the "right" and the "wrong" ethical values of driving and is there even such thing as right and wrong ethical values when everyone thinks that they are right in everything? ^^ Let me read your 2 cents worth. Thanks all~!! Take care~!

:: Will what you believe is right still be right when another thinks that it is wrong? ::

Why Do You Go To Church?

2006-02-20T16:26:00.000+08:00

Before I start anything, I wanna share something I read over the internet not very long ago. It's called Three Hyms.

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!" - end.

Funny ain't it? Well sure it is, but have you thought about why do YOU go to church? You may laugh at the joke to because of the "sillyness" of the girl, but then again, you might be laughing because you realized how true that can be even if it isn't obvious. I once been fortunate enough to meet a few people I know who are like that. They come to church not to praise God or to pray or to listen to the sermon being preached. No, they come for another reason - to find a cute looking guy or a cute looking girl that they can get close to and befriend.

The funny thing about this is, even though they do that, they are still in a place where they cannot get into serious troubles. So even though their intentions were not entirely good, at least they were kept away from danger and harm that other places might have. They are further away from places where they can be involved in drugs or gangfights. So is the behaviour acceptable? Well that's the thing, it really depends.

Why? Well that's simple, because when they do that it's good that they attend church and thus they have a possibility they might find God instead. It's also good because they have a higher chance of not doing drugs or indulge themselves in something far worse. However, it will be bad if they're influece over the people they befriend in church is greater than that of the church. This will only mean that the once good Christian will become a bad one. So no matter how you look at it, there'll be the pros and the cons. Think about it.

I'm shall close this entry now but before I do, ask yourself this, why do you go to church? - be true to yourself. Take care and God bless ya'll~!

:: Are you at peace with your life's direction? ::

Friends

2006-02-14T19:47:00.000+08:00

Friends, they are such a wonder sometimes. Thru the years I've come to learn a few things about them. Some friends are true and will always be your friend regardless of how you messed up your life. And some are just not to be trusted regardless of how much you know about them or how long you've known them. Sometimes they bring you so much joy you feel that you're the luckiest person alive. And yet, at the same time they can leave you devasted by the things they can do to hurt you so.

Friends are people who will come into out lives at different times of our lifes and sometimes they come for a season and leave after it ends. Sometimes they'll cross path with ours for a reason and sometimes they'll be there forever. In the dictionary a friend is someone who feels mutual affection and regard for one another, a relation or a lover. A friend is not an enemy and yet sometimes your greatest enemies are your friends.

So friends, during this valentines day are you being a friend to your friends by telling them how much they mean to you as a friend? Or are you those who feels that you do not have any friends that you consider as friends? Valentines Day is a day to show your appreciation to your family and friends, not just your significant other. Yet, many has been mislead by the true meaning of Valentines Day just like how many were mislead by the true nature of Christmas. So what is Valentines Day to you? I shall leave at that and to all my friends, you guys mean a great deal to me by being just my friends!! ^^ Take care ya'll~!

:: Your choice : the courage of truth of the cowardice of compromise ::

A Past That Haunts

2006-02-12T16:17:00.000+08:00

After nearly 5 weeks through my very first official relationship, I have found many comments from people I'm close with or have encountered. The interesting thing is that the comments are split in halve. And both have truth in them to a certain amount that when you put them together you get nothing but confusion.

You see, the first group of people see something in me they have never seen before, and that lies in many category may it be wisdom, love, maturity and so on. However, one particular thing that they said struck me in the head like a pebble the size not more than a broken pencil lead with such velocity that it will kill anyone in an instant if it were real - HAPPINESS.

The other group however, interestingly told me something I needed to hear even though they seemed to come from the other side of the globe with different cultures and background that totally contradicts with the first group all together, and what they said hit me with the same force and velocity that that first pebble did - SADNESS

I'm sure that you have absolutely no idea where I'm going or where I'm heading at this point of time. Like I mentioned before, both groups hold a certain amount of truths that when put together only creates confusion. However, I now realized that if I look beyond that confusion I would find another thing. The one thing that I would not be able to arrive to if I dare not embrace the confusion as what it is - TRUTH

The good news is, I did. I embrace it with the fear that I will be crushed beyond recognition. The fear that I will never be able to face the world that is damned within it's own confused system. The fear that grow with terrifying intensity that I wish that I could just drop dead and fear no more. The fear that lead me to one more stage that I have finally achieved although it took me such a long time - MATURITY

Because I have embraced that I feared I have came to a point of realization. A point where I know why certain people do certain things. Why do parents act in such a way and what did it mean. I also had a clearer view of what I must do to achieve what I want in life. The one thing that I have embraced along with the fear that I had is the one thing that people learn as they age - UNDERSTANDING

Getting more confused? Well if you were to understand what exactly I'm saying and know exactly where I'm getting at, there is the possibility that you are older and more experienced compared to myself whether in age of the way your think. Like I mentioned earlier 2 groups with 2 words and contrast each other like a raging war that never ends. And like all wars, I have arrived at the point where HAPPINESS embraced SADNESS like a brother and will war no longer in the matter that I speak.

You see, what really happens is this, what the first group told me has truth because of the way that I honestly felt. This is probably due to the fact that I was able to share my life with another without being presecuted or judged. I able to confide myself to someone and only one. And I am also able to express myself in all ways possible to that one person that I cannot with others. This in turns made me a really lucky and happy person by nature. My heart is at peace.

The second group of people also speak the truth because my past experiences with another was devastatingly painful that I hold to it stronger that any commitment that I have indulge myself in. I cannot find myself to commit to another person fully because of the pain I feel with every beat of my heart and with every breath that I take. And because of that, I feel both happiness and sadness at the same time during the first 4 weeks of my relationship with my girlfriend. Though she might not see or sense it, I know that I will not be able to hide for very long and I have to find a common ground where the war can and will end without having anymore dispite among one another.

Because I know that the past is haunting me conciously and unconciously, I tend to hurt my girlfriend unintentionally. I also tend to be overly protective which might prove to be devastating later on in the relationship. And to do that I did the only possible thing that I can do - FORGIVE

After what I did, I felt much more at peace and better understand the nature of all relationships that has been going on around me - both successful ones and those that failed. I have to admit that although I was able to FORGIVE the past for what it did to me, I was not able to FORGET the event that has unfold in my life. This is the nature of how my brain works - unfortunately. From here, I have learnt of one more thing that I find really hard to do as I have always stood my ground and defend it like a mother would over a child of nest. This is one thing that brought me much more that I have anticipated. This is also the same thing that has opened my mind to countless possibilities and what other people say. Even though I still stood my ground, I have lowered down the walls of defence that surround me to enable me to view the world with different prepectives. This is the one thing that I'm truly proud to say I have achieved - HUMBLENESS

Because of all that I have learnt and acquired from this relationships, I can say now that I am now truly happy with no sadness that is visible within my heart. And this is all thanks to one person that I love besides my parents - CRYSTLYN

Dear Crystlyn,
Sorry about certain things that I did that made you wonder with some amount of sadness that I can sense even though I was not with you. But you have set me free from many shackles that bound and pull me down to earth whenever I wanted to fly higher. I thank you for being there and may our relationship blossom as each day passes. Thank you.

--Mark--

:: Listen to your HEART as much as you do your HEAD ::

Days In China 2

2006-02-06T10:34:00.000+08:00

Ok as promised, I'll post about the remaining days I was in China sometime ago. I know this took kinda long but I have had some quite major events happening recently that I will not blog about. Anyway this post will have day 2 in while I was there. Enjoy!! ^^

Oh my gosh~!! I have to climb that amount of stairs to get to the top... ><

5 mins later... I'm finally at the top and this is what it looks like... well was not as bad as it seems... no really it wasn't...

During that night we went to this really brightly lighted place where we go shop for a bit. Notice the McD at the right side? XD

I found this so enchanting I have to take a photo of it~!! It's pretty ain't it?

The hotel~!! Ahh rest... by the way, this is the best hotel we slept in while we're in China ^^

I've nothing to do so I took a picture of me taking a picture of me... confused?

Well I hope you all enjoyed that though it's not much. I wanted to load the pics of day 3 here too but for some reason I can't seem to do that so yeah... ^^ Take care ya'll~!

:: Uncertainty or doubt is a red flag for any action, planned or already completed ::

Starry BBQ Night

2006-01-22T15:46:00.000+08:00

Ok... I know what you are thinking... I'm suppose to blog about China day 2 and so on... but... I have to blog about what happened last night first. It was just too awesome to not blog about it.

3-4ish... In Pyramids with my gf*... went and look for a movie to watch. Bought tix and walked around shopping.

6ish... Sat down and talk for a bit before heading to buy popcorns and into the dark and romantic looking cineplex.

8ish... Movie ends and we wondered slooowly to the car so that I can drive us to the BBQ event. Got there 15 mins later after searching for about 10 mins.

9ish... The BBQ at this point was in full swing and everyone is grooving under the moonlight... well ok... not exactly... it was more like they are still trying to get the fire to start. Apparently they forgot the fire starter... then they forgot the grills for the BBQ thingy... So sat down and stare at the stars with my gf* till they return with the grills.

10ish... The BBQ is now finally beginning... things startes to get heated up (please don't imagine nonsense here...) and food is finally cooking... well I kinda got a feeling we all ate half cooked food... but... I don't think anyone really cared about that... everyone was just too busy talking and laughing to notice the not-so-cooked lamb... ><"

11ish... Felt that we're not gonna get hungry we decided to leave early to grab some decent cooked food... but shit happens and so we went home instead...

12ish... Got home feeling tired and crappy... so hit the shower and ate whatever I can get hold off... then went to bed after some hot and steamy smsed to my gf*... hahah ok... not hot and steamy... but smses larr... I know some people will just get carried away regardless of what I say... so... whatever.. XD

That's about all that happens... in conclusion, this is the most unorganized and probably the most sponatanious looking BBQ I have ever attended though it was planned for more than a week ago... but it's still fun and I got to meet up with some new ppl and some old ^^ So till next time, God bless and take care ya'll~!

* - Yes I have a gf now for those of you morons who still don't yet know... ><"

:: What is buried within your heart will devour and destroy you from within ::

Days In China

2006-01-05T11:26:00.000+08:00

Woah~! I can't believe I'm back already and missed so much (like my terrbile exam results which I just got today - Have to clarify it with the lecturers ><). Anyway, here are some pictures I took (without me inside) from the places that I visited on the first day (I'll go thru each day differently because there are too many photos. ^^ Enjoy~!

The journey begins on the open road to Shanghai ^^

The first thing I noticed was... their APARTMENT!!

My goodness... it's worse than Singapore... ><"

Err... can't remember where this is... ><" But, I know it's somewhere in Shanghai~! XD

Shanghai City~! I don't know why but I get this feeling that it looks way better than back in Malaysia ><

Ok that's it for now... I'm tired waiting for the bloody photos to load (it's taking eons to load to the blog). Anyway, I'll be loading more photos soon (the 2nd day). ^^Hope ya'll enjoyed that (though it's only a few). Till next time, God bless and take care!

:: Life can really be a pain sometimes, but without it, there'll be no tears ::

Reflections Of A Simple Mind

2006-01-04T12:13:00.000+08:00

Some if not all of you who reads this blog might actually realized that the name of this blog is "Reflections Of A Simple Mind" but is any of our minds really that simple? No matter what people say, no one has a simple mind and that is what I realized as I looked out the window into cold winter night waiting for the clock to struck 12 on New Years Eve (I was in China). So how did I come to realized this after so many years I've been spending my life in the simplest way possible?

It all started not long ago when I felt a sudden urge to contact some friends of mind in my old secondary school. It dawned to me recently that old flames now burns brighter after some recent events. However, I was stuck between the decision to either go forth or stay where I am. Well, I really want to go forth and forget the past, however, I find that really hard to do because of a few possible reasons.

1. If I got forth, I WILL go against all principles that I have made for myself since I was 12 of age.
2. If I go forth, I might find the missing pieces to the hole my my heart, however, if it is not, then the hole will not only be bigger but I might hurt the other party which is more important than feeling hurt myself.
3. If I stay where I am, that means that he past still lingers in my heart and I'm not willing to let go yet although I say and think that I have.
4. If I stay, I might regret for the rest of my life more than if I go forward.

I was thinking about all these during the time when most would be celebrating the New Year as the clock struck 12. But for me, it's the coldest possible winter night that I have ever experienced in my life. I really wish that at that point, I would be with that one special person in my life but I haven't yet gotten any. Just realizing that I felt alone during that period of time is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Some say that love is blind, and some say that love is the most beautiful thing that can happen, yet some say that love is just to painful for words. I believed that all these are true. Love is when you feel warm during a cold winter's night, but, at the same time you can feel cold during the hot summer's day. In short it's something that one feels yet, no one can express it in words, thus LOVE exist. So where do I stand at the moment?

Honestly, I'm confused, scared and uncertain of the future that I know not. Yet, isn't that what life is all about? Uncertainties only makes life much more interesting. That is why, no one has a simple mind no matter what others say or what you think. Everything can be made simpler but it's still complicated as it is. I'm not even sure if what I say here made any sense to anyone but I just felt very philosophical and hope this sounds a little like it. Anyway Happy New Year (belated) and God bless to all that reads this entry.

:: Cynicism tempts a compromise of your character - don't give in~! ::

What Should My Answer Be?

2005-12-26T11:26:00.000+08:00

Down at the river of fire
There my thoughts linger
Unsure of what to do
Or even where to go

Uncertain is one’s future
And that is all I’m sure
Afraid of what the future hold
I’m like an uncertain flock of doves

Unable to move forward
I felt a little awkward
Unsure if I should go south
Or should I explore the north

Confused, astounded and visions hazy
I feel my head getting a little dizzy
The answers are with me
Yet what should it be?

Dare I move into lands unknown?
Or should I stay here all alone?
Answers needs to be told
But, will it forever hold?

Perplexed, I sat staring into the night
Wondering upon the far distant light
Asking questions that I cannot answer
Yet, it’s staring at me like a burning fire

Answers I must definitely find
But where can I find such a kind?
The future is what we cannot see
So what should my answer be?

:: Logical thinking depends on one's mental interpretations ::

Christmas Spirit

2005-12-23T08:34:00.000+08:00

As we all know, Christmas is like 2 days from now. For some reason, I always believed that Christmas the time of year where joy and love is spread. You can see people rushing all over the place (regardless whether they celebrate Christmas or not) to do their last minute Christmas shopping. While I was busy with Christmas tree decorations (took me 3 days to finish, dont ask). Normally, I would be doing something during this time that is related to church activities. However, this time round, I'm not.

Honestly, this Christmas pretty much sucks for me so far. And I'm pretty much not in the mood for anything significant. So I hide away into the realm of fantasy and dreams where I can seen sitting in front of the computer for hours just because I don't want to get myself involve in anything. Anyway, in a few days time I won't even be here till the next year. I really need a break from my current life that just sucks.

Sometimes, regardless of how you want to feel and how you choose to feel, things will just turn out badly and make you feel even worse. I hate those kind of feelings. The worse part is, you have to hide it and pretend that you are contented with everything. It feels so fake. Just watching people around you laughing away merrily while you have to put up a front that tells people that you are part of the merry crowd but in fact... in fact deep inside you, you feel this lump of sadness creeping up, reminding you that there is really nothing that you can be happy about. It's probably the next worse feeling to being hurt so badly by the ones you so loved that you feel like running away to another country.

Even so, that is how I feel at this point of time. No wait, let me rephrase that to that is exactly what is going on at the moment in my life. Everything seems like it's fake. Everything I do seems wrong to others. What I once believed in is crushed by the logical explanation of science and maths. What I once loved so much seemed like something of the past that I have no more interest. What I once loved doing is something that just pains me even more up to the point that I just give up. This is not how I want to live my life - in such agony and confusion. This is not where I'm suppose to be - in the darkness of lies. This is not what I'm suppose to be doing - running away from the truth that hit me so hard in the face. So how did it turn out this way?

For crying out loud! Can't I write something happier? Well, NO~! Because the truth is, regardless of what season it is, this Christmas season I've learnt that no matter what, there are people who are suffering out there somewhere. There are people who has no family, no home, no where to go, no one to celebrate Christmas with. There are those, whose lives are just too painful to notice that Christmas is 2 days away. These people exist and it really hurts me just to know that while others enjoy themselves and laugh merrily over a dinner joke, they suffer in the bitter cold silence and no one will notice them while they chew on left over bread crumbs. So tell me, what kind of Christmas spirit are we all showing this season when these people are the last things on our mind? Come to think of it, it's probably not even in our minds and don't you dare deny that - God be the judge.

So what kinda Christmas spirit are we showing? When I think about it, I realized that to these people, Christmas is a time when they all just acknowledge that they will be the invisible people that no one will see. And to them, Christmas comes when Christmas is over, when people actually began to slowly notice thier existance. This is just sad. No it's not sad for them, it's actually sad for those who lived their lives ignoring the existance of people like these. It also shows what ignorant beast we are regardless of who we are and what name and title we bear or hold. It doesn't really matter because the more important you become, the more ignorant you eventually are.

Well, I better stop ranting here. God bless and take care all! Have a Merry Christmas this season.

:: Some people will be ignorant regardless of their status ::

The Movies and The Traffic Police

2005-12-15T11:41:00.000+08:00

Alright~! It's been a while since the last time I pen anything here. Well I was looking for something funny to write this time and I really didn't know what to write about as nothing funny really happened in my life for a really long time now. However, just when I thought that I should change my topic something really hilarious happened just yesterday.

Well, the day starts off as usual with nothing much that happened except for the echoing voice in my head telling me that I'm suppose to be meeting my friends in Mid Valley which later on turned out to be what I called "accidental date" because there was supposedly 3-4 of us but it ended up as only 2 of us ><. Anyway, the day was really pretty interesting, haven't talked about my private life to anyone for a long time (about 1 year now probably more). Before the movies we went to Coffee Beans and just talked till movie time (boy oh boy, the queue for the movie ticket was really excruciatingly long). The movies we watched was "The Constant Garderner". I don't know why but the movie for some reason reflect a lot on what my ultimate goal in life is (after watching how people in africa suffer and all it only made my fire to help people grew). Anyway, there are other hidden meanings that are in the movie that I will not mention here. Looking at the tickets to the movies I realized that just the day before I was watching "The Chronicles of Narnia" with my mum (yes there is nothing wrong with watching movies with your parents).

After the movie, we proceed to wander about Mid Valley rather aimlessly (don't ask) until in the end we decided to go grab something to eat (and we spent another few hours there talking). Then came the part where we wandered about aimlessly for a bit before deciding to head on home (surprisingly there was no traffic outside Mid Valley but then again, it was Wednesday night). Anyway, after I safely brought my friend back home to her place, I went back home. But the journey back home was not one I've expected anything to happen in my lifetime. Yet, at one point of time last night, I sat (I was in the car) corrected.

It was about 10:30pm when I was stopped by this really thin looking traffic police. Now the thing about this traffic police was, he was wearing this badge that says "I'm anti-corruption" and looked as though it was on his first day on the job (you'll see that I'm probably right later). Anyhow, I lowered my window to face this traffic police who instantly asked me "You ni umur berapa?" [how old are you?], and I was very tempted to ask "Soalan apa jenis apa ni?" [what kinda question is that?] as I really want to get back home take a shower. However, the better part of me answered, "err... 22". Then before he asked another weird question (and since I was determined to get it over with - knowing that I'm innocent at that point made me braver for some reason), I asked him, "Saya ada buat apa-apa salah ke?" [Did I do anything wrong?]. And probably a normal routine he proceeds to tell me what I did wrong by saying, "You ni lambat letak tali pinggang" [Apparently are slow at putting on your safty belt].

For a split second there I thought I heard wrongly so I proceed to asked him what he just said, and after repeating himself I couldn't help myself and burst out laughing (in situations like this you're sure to laugh out loud too if you were in my shoes- it's spontaneous and really hilarious I can't help it). The traffic police was probably taken aback by my sudden outburst of laughter, but upon realizing my sudden rudeness, I proceed to ask, "You tahu I datang dari mana? Saya baru saja datang dari Mid Valley. You ada ke nampak saya letak tali pinggang saya lambat? Kat mana you nampak? Kat Mid Valley ke? Atau pun kat sini?" (I know it probably sound very spontaneous too but I really forgot myself at this point and just blurted out my questions like that. At this point the traffic police was really quiet and not saying anything. So I asked, "Kalau you ada nampak saya letak tali pinggang lambat, kat mana you nampak?". Probably upon realizing I know what he was up to he proceed to say, "Oh... macam itu ke? err.. kalau cam tu... ok larr you boleh jalan..." and he waved his hand asking me to go.

Damn, it was so hilarious I laughed all the way home. And when I thought about it, he probably is on his first day on the job. I mean come on man, if you tell me that I exceed my speed limit, I'll probably only ask if you have prove. And if you have then send the summon to my house instead. But this? I still think it's rather funny. Well, one thing for sure, he really made my day today even though it was lsat night's incident. ^^ So till next time, God bless and take care!!

:: What will you do with a rose that no longer have it's beauty? Forget about it and proceed to throw it away? Or remember what it once was by keeping it? ::

Bloody Mary

2005-11-28T12:19:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to write something about the "crying" statues of Mary that has been occurring very so often this past couple of years. You see, the second of the Ten Commandments clearly states that, one should not make an idol in he form of anything representing heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. And one should not bow down to them or worship them. I'm not condemning any Christian practices here - methodist and catholics differ, and catholic churches have statues of Christ and Mary and prays to both, while the methodist only pray to Jesus and not Mary the mother of God. I'm glad that many are Christians (regardless whether one is catholic or methodist), but sometimes it really saddens me to see that many Christians have been manipulated (dare I say it) by the devil himself.

The bible clearly states that no statue of anything representing heaven above, earth below and under the ocean should be created and bowed to or worship. Yet, when the statue of Mary was seen to have tears that looked like blood, many flock to see it and some prayed/worship the statue. Why is that so when the bible already made things clear that one should do that? Who do we blame for such an unheavenly act? Who is the cause of all this? Why do people forget the bible when things like this happened? Is it because they don't read the bible? Or is it because their faith is so great that anything such as this is considered a miracle?

The Star Newspaper states that, the tears might be a sign that more disasters are coming. Well, in case no one has noticed yet, disasters happened all the time and the cause is really global warming - and the caused of that? Selfish and foolish idiots who called themselves humans. Several hurricanes have already struck the United States and yet many failed to realized that the cause was themselves. The bible clearly states that before the second coming of Christ, there would be a lot of disasters. So why are people looking to signs like the statue of Mary crying tears of blood and relating that to the disasters? Why don't they just relate that to the doom of those people who chose to worhip these statues forbidden by God himself?

The bible is the word of God that is forever living in the past, present and future. No sign on any statue can do what the word of God can. And has anyone noticed also that the statues that are seen crying is almost always the statue of Mary somewhere? Why is that? I'm urging all believers and follwers of Christ to open your eyes to the truth that has been covered from your eyes. Lift the veil of lies and see that lies ahead. Read the word of God and rebuke all nonsense such as this. If God truly wants to make a sign, do you think it's gonna be from some mere statue that man made or something even greater? Have your faith in God and not the statue of lies. I hope this encourage more Christians out there to read the word of God more that wondering what the "crying statue" meant.

Till the next post, may God have mercy upon you, God bless and take care!

:: Miracles happen all the time, we're just to blind to see it ::

Simple Things That Brings Out The Joy

2005-11-24T12:22:00.000+08:00

Have you been in a situation where everything seemed to be going downhill and you really feel like you want to hit someone or scream out so loud that the whole world hears you? Well, most of us do. Especially me not very long ago and even right at this point of time. Everything seemed to be going downhill for me ever since I finished my SPM (that was like a few years back). My grades dropped, my self-esteem grew legs and ran off with my happiness, my motivation went into hiding, my mental representation of everything seemed distorted, and of course many other which includes my not-so-healthy-diet that my mom keeps nagging me about and trust I have in others as well as myself.

The thing is, I've been so coped up with stuffs around me that I forgot the simple things in life that God has made for us - laughter of children that runs around without a care (wish I can join them sometimes), the rainbow (that I almost forgotten ever existed), chocolate ice-cream with vanilla (ok so this is man made), rainy days that seemed to suit exactly how you feel (even God knows you're gloomy and shares it with you), and of course many more. I had the previledge to recently be reminded of this simple things in life that seemed to make us feel good inside. And it made me wonder why do we feel good just looking at these things happened?

The answer lies deep in our cerebellum (which is the smaller part of our brain). Most of us who studies biology don't really understand the function of this part of the brain so I'll explain a little on it. The bigger brain, known as the cerebrum is the part where we do things consciously - like thinking. And to get information to the cerebrum, the information has to passed through the cerebellum, which is where our unconscious mind comes from. We do things unconsciously because we've been doing it so often that the cerebellum will register it as something that can be done without thinking (like math, 1 + 1 = 2, you don't have to think because it's in your cerebellum). I hope that explains a little of the function of the cerebellum.

As I was saying, the answer lies deep in our cerebellum. You see, when we were a lot younger (say at the age of 3-9), we tend to do things that we regard as fun. And because we do it so often during that period of time, we begin to register the things we do into our cerebellum. How does this effect us? Well, we might not remember when was the first time we saw our first rainbow, or the first time we laughed so hard that tears ran down our cheeks, or even the first time when we run around and scream wihout a worry on our shoulders, but we do remember (unconsciously) how we feel about them. That is why when we see kids running around (aimlessly) screaming and laughing, we feel a certain sensation in us that tells us "Hey this reminds me of me a long time ago" and in return it brings back memories which unconsciously brings us that feeling we had when we did exactly the same thing years ago.

And because of this, whenever we see something that we used to do or just simple things around us that brings us so much joy, we can still feel that happiness surge through our bodies as though we were just kids. But it was really just a memory of the time that we had although it's unconscious. I hope that whoever reads this actually understands it fully. Till the next (hopefully not so scientific) post, take care ya'll~! God bless!

:: Miracles do happen, it's just that we're too blind to see it happening ::

Passion

2005-11-23T14:02:00.000+08:00

Recently I've come to realized that without passion, there wouldn't be happiness (I'm not sure if I convey my meaning in the right way here). Many of us have many things that we like, love, and enjoy doing. And passion plays a very important role in most of this things that we do. Without passion for anything that we do, we wouldn't even be doing it in the first place. For example, some people find their passion in sports and so they seem to be doing sports a lot and even talk about them a lot.

I found out recently, that even though I can sharpen my skills in drawing and designin stuffs, my true passion still lies in maths, physics, and chemistry. Because of this, I've been wondering why am I studying something totally unrelated and am I truly happy about it? Well the answer is yes and no. Yes, because I'm free to express myself in my designs/drawings. No, because it's not related to the facts of maths and science (starting to wish that my aim was to be a rocket scientist). I'm still fascinated about jet engines and rockets as I am in medicine and the idea of operating someone in the operating theater. I still very much fancy the idea of creating new medicine or creating some kinda new jet engine/space shuttle.

So what do I really want in life? Most people ask me this when they ask me what I like/love to do. The truth is, I want to leave a name behind before I die where even if nobody knows me in person, my name will still ring through the world of science or whatever. So how can I do that in the world of architecture? Well, that's the question that I'm attempting to find out. In truth, I don't really know yet. All I know is that everybody can be a somebody because we are the pilot of our own life. What we do, is our choice, and what happened to us, is the results of our very own actions. And so am I saying that I'm regretting taking up architecture? Well, honestly I am a little. My point is, the passion I have for art and design is not as great as my passion for the facts and discovery of maths and science. My only regret - kicking myself out from the world that I so loved. But I guess I have to remember, what I choose to do is my own choice.

Anyway, that's all folks. I'll blog again soon (though I don't know who reads this blog of mine). Till then, take care and God bless!

:: What colour is the rainbow in your life? ::

Was Tagged by Yee San

2005-11-15T00:43:00.000+08:00

7 things that scares me

1. ><" ~ Flying roaches... I'm serious!
2. Not being able to live my life to the fullest.
3. Losing someone really close to me.
4. *thinks* Getting sick... XD or Seriously injured!
5. *thinks again* Scary looking people
6. *thinks really hard* Parents of any girl friends I have - Don't ask... long story...
7. *getting a headache from thinking* Finding out one day, that what I believed in and all that I do is a lie...

7 random facts about me

1. I'm still awake and it's 1am
2. I love food
3. I hate sleep
4. I speak 3 languages and 4 dialects to one of those languages.
5. I have Japanese blood in me...
6. I love chocolates
7. I'm straight.

7 things I hope to do before I die

1. Leave my name behind somewhere so I'll not be forgotten
2. Write down all my ideas and put them somewhere in hope that it'll come in useful one day
3. See my grandchildren? XD
4. Impact lives of as many people as I can
5. Visit Disneyland
6. Learn Japanese
7. Visit Japan!!

7 things I can do

1. Read
2. Write
3. Walk
4. Drive
5. Wink
6. Swim
7. Cycle

7 people who should fill this out

1. Go to number 2.
2. Go to number 3.
3. Go to number 4.
4. Got to number 5.
5. What the heck just skip 6 and go to 7.
6. I thought I told you to skip 6 and go to 7?
7. Anyone who is reading this. I don't have anyone in mind, sorry ^^

Love Again

2005-11-09T12:05:00.001+08:00

Okay don't misunderstand the title please. It doesn't mean that I'm in love again or anywhere close to that. It only means that I'm gonna talk about this topic again *wonders why am I even explaining what the title means -_-"*. So why did I suddenly chosed to talk about this again? Because I had read a post left by someone on her blog about it and for some reason that led me to think about some stuffs.

So what is love to you? Just a feeling or something more? Maybe when you go "goo goo" over the person or is it really a commitment? In the unfortunately brutal and far from trust worthy period in which we happened to live in at the moment, fairytales seemed like something that most would remember as a thing of the past or only seen in movies. However, many failed to realized what movies we see on TV or the big screen is really trying to show us. Fairytales as we all know it, is not only something you read about or watched in TV, but in reality it too can happen. What we saw in movies are actually a mirror to our innermost soul and desire. Fairytales, it's something everyone would die for - not only for the girls mind you. A guy would probably desire a girl that is worth protecting and dying for, and a girl would probably desire a guy and is able to protect her. This is what movies are all about, and unconciously, that is what we are actually made of.

I also understand that not all guys or girls are trust worthy people and are really out to play others out. So how can you tell if they are the real deal? It is really simple. People like these, do not like hanging out with your friends and would prefer that you guys spend some "quality" time alone. They are usually not the same person when they are with your friends. Please understand that people like these are not really interested in love and so, they tend to let their eyes wonder about when you are with them even though to you it seemed very much like he is really paying a lot of attention to you - called this blind but it really happens. And because girls attract guys easier than guys attract girls (correct me if I'm wrong there), it's a lot easier for them to flirt around but then people tend to talk - which is where people are labelled as "bitch" or "slut". And because most guy tend to flirt a lot unless they are really commited, no one really cares - which is really bad, and they are normally labelled as "casanova", "playboy" or "stud". (note: the word "stud" means that the guy is sexually active or a vey attractive man)

Back to the topic of love - how do you know if it's really love? I've given a lot of thought about this, not to mentioned read many accounts on which love triumphs. Even in the bible, love was mentioned all the time - from cover to cover. In Genesis 1:27 , God created man in his own image. He created them in the likeness of God. He created them as male and female. This passage alone talks about love, how God loved man that man was created in God's own image. Male and female, both are different yet same - something that reflects the relationship between God and man, where both is different yet same. Doesn't the first male and female represent something else that man practices not very long ago? If you still haven't quite figured it out, it's arranged marriage. Why did I say that? Well, neither Adam nor Eve have a choice to choose who they want to love and share their lives with. All they have between them is trust and commitment - not to mention communication. Communication is the key to finding out the truth. Adam and Eve both ate the fruit from the forbidden tree and fell into the darkenss of sin. Why this is happened? Because they communed with a serpent and fell for it. Is this because there wasn't enough trust between God and man? Or was it because of something else? However, both of them did not fight with one another when they were banished from the garden of Eden but worked together to produce food and lived on. Why? This is simple, because they still have trust between them, they still have a commitment to one another and also because they still communicate.

Some people believed that there is only one person out there for them, some believed that you can only find the "one" if you had experience with a few relationship, and some believed that God gave them choices. If you look at it really closely and search deep inside, there is a certain amount of truth in all the three. Why? The one and only person side of the story will be true if you lived with the person till you die (regardless of how many wifes or husbands you may have had, the last one is usually the right one). Then the experience part is quite true also because, people learnt from failed relationships (althought people can simply just learnt from the mistakes they made and learn to love their partner). The third and final one is true also because you can choose from the many people around you (although there is a question of why do you prefer some and not some). So all in all they all have truth and if you look at arranged marriage they have all three yet, they stick with one another till they die. So the question is, what humans practices now in society, is it possible that it's changed? Is it possible that relationship problems be solved? Yes it is possible, only and only if both parties compromise with one another - this is where trust, commitment and communication comes in.

I'm not entirely sure that what you read here will help you but I do pray that it made sense and brought in some light into your relationship (now or in the future). One more thing that I know is that, fairytales exist in real life too, but only if you let it. I wanted to write this a long time ago but haven't found the time to do just that *begins to wonder why I suddenly have the time now when I still have exams to study for -_-"*. Well till next time, God bless and take care!!

:: Love can only grow when communication, trust and commitment exist ::

Childhood Remembered

2005-11-06T13:37:00.000+08:00

I was driving home not very long ago (starts wondering why am I only writing this now...) in the rain back from college, and was playing this song (which I can't remember what) in the car which for some reason took my memories back to a place that I have almost forgotten. It was a place where most of my childhood memories were made. As sudden as this nostalgic moment came into my mind, I decided that I should drive to this place again to "refresh" my memory. Well, what I got was not only memories that came flooding back in - the noise, the laughter, the fun, the running around for no reason - but a lot more than what I bargained for.

You see, the place I was referring to was an old school of mine. Apparently, it's not what it used to be although it still looks the same. I didn't exactly went into the school compound as it was raining. However, I just sat in the car and stared into the school and recalling everything I can. After about half an hour, I decided to drive back home. It was during this time when I got more than what I bargained for. You see, because the memories came back, I began thinking about all the friends I've made and how most of them disappeared without a trace, and some did drugs, not to mention there was a rumour and one was even charged in court for murder. The people that I once knew to be nice and fun to be with turned out to be something totally unexpected and scary. But still, some of these friends that I've made during that time became my bestest of friends.

It was then that some something hit me really hard into my senses. The friends that we make as we grow older are the type of friends that is really hard to predict. This is because, as we grow older, we become more self-conscious and thus we begin to hide our true-self. We begin to change our personality to suit different groups of people, we look for acceptance in certain groups. This is where I began to realized and question myself, "how many of all the friends I have that I really know them deep inside?" Well my answer to that question is, "not many". The reason why I said this is because, I used to have a really close friend that I can truly confide in (although there are things I lied to this friend of mine for some stupid reasons which nothing can be done at the moment) but when I came back from a place I've gone to for a period of time, I found that this friend of mine has changed so much in such a short period of time that I began to wonder if this is the same friend I had.

Of course, through time, I began to realized that this is all part of the community in which we all grow up in. We tend to change ourselves to blend into the environment that we lived in. This includes myself. I tried so hard to be different from the majority that I change myself to be different, but then I now realized that the more I tried to be different, the more I'm running away from myself. I have my own characteristics and personality and that alone is different because it is different from other people, so why did I even bothered trying to be different? (Go ahead and laugh, you must think that it's pretty silly of me to do that too) Anyway, because of this, I realized other things as well. Everyone is different from the other, and that is what makes us unique and special. This is why, my best friends are still my best friends. Because they are friends that I know from deep inside, from the time when we were not even aware of ourselves and how we appear to others, from the time where we couldn't care less if the world would end tomorrow - this is what makes my bestest friends special.

So what about other friends I have? Well, my bestest friends are not limited to only my childhood friends that I grew up with, but also some that I made in college (ok maybe not the one I'm attending now, at least not yet) and outside in the free world. To those that I have hurt in the past, lied to in the past, and all others that I can't recall, I'm sorry and wish that you can read this. Those that can, well, my hope for your apologies is the best I can do. Till next time, God bless and take care.

ps: To my bestest friends in the world - Gareth, Lionel and Wai Keat - I thank you for the times we shared for those are memories that I will cherish and remember forever. We are together because we are different but similar! Cheers ya'll~!

:: True friends are people who are not afraid to be who they really are in front of you and will never change in front of others ::

Once Upon A Time

2005-10-27T12:43:00.000+08:00

There was once a baby girl who was found abandoned (her real parents were killed trying to protect her from pirates) in a wrecked ship. Because the world that time was cold, her parents who adopted her was killed and she was left with no one to turn to. She was only 5 years old during that time. And because she know that she needed to survive somehow or the other, she decided that she can make a living selling fruits of all kind that she gathered from the jungle. However, as fate would play a part in this young girl's life, she was attempting to sell her goods at the wrong place and she was ended up beaten. Because no one wanted to help her when that happened she learnt that the world is a cruel place. Weeks gone by... and she became very weak and being left in the rain, she became sick. It was then that she wanted to give up on life when suddenly an animal man has never seen appeared.

As the days gone by, she grew stronger and soon was fully recovered because of the care that was given to her by this animal that became her faithful pet. And so their journey of life together began in the cold world that they lived in. After many moons together, they bond grew stronger and stronger, and nothing seemed to be able to seperate them at all. Both were very happy as they both have good company.

This animal that found her, only seek to have someone to love and be loved by that person. And because of this, the young girl became her very best friend that she would protect her with her life. The young girl seeked the same thing - love - and found that in her faithful pet. And because of that, she grew to love the town that she grew up in.

Then one day... her pet sense something really wrong and decided to investigate the matter alone. It was at the same time that the town was attacked by some weird creature. And the young girl did not know what was happening as she was still sleeping. When she finally woke up, she found that the town she grew to love so much is now destroyed and everyone was saying it was the cause of some weird creature. Unknown to her, her pet can change form when she needs to, in order to protect the one she loved. And because of that, she cannot recognized her beloved pet. Because she do not know this, she ran to the place that she would always meet her pet when they seperated. And she waited... and waited... and waited until it's finally dark...

She was just about to leave when suddenly this weird looking monster appeared. And because she heard that the town was destroyed by some weird monster, she began to kill that monster. However, the monster, knowing who she is, did nothing to retaliate as she understands why this is happening. And so this monster tried to run away from this young girl who has now grown since they first met. But in the attempt the monster fell down a cliff and as a result of that... she's dying. Because of her love for this young girl she wanted to see her one last time. And so she gathered whatever energy she have left to get climb up the cliff back to the place where the girl would be waiting for her. After she climbed the cliff she have to crawl in hope to see the young girl one last time. The young girl did not know this was happening behind her. After much effort, the monster was finally just a few feet from the girl when it finally looked at the girl and with a smile she breathe her last breath.

The girl, decided that it was time to head home turned around and saw her pet (after the monster died, it returned to it's original form but only halve of that) that has the body of the monster she tried to killed. It was then that she learnt that she have killed her own pet and was yet again left alone in the world. But it wasn't some time later that she learnt what her pet really did.

This story, some of you might read it as just another story that might be sad or entertaining. But it shows the monster in all of us. Most of us go for the beauty that lies outside and forget to see what is in the inside. Although they both love each other's company and their bond grew stronger each day, their level of love is different. The young girl, although she loved her pet which later became a monster in her eyes are blinded by what she sees without fully understanding the situation and ended up killing her pet who only wanted to protect her. Her pet, although she knows the fate that she is in, did nothing to harm the girl but died in her hands just because she wanted to protect the girl. And up to her final breathe she is still faithful and wish to see the girl one last time.

I'm not sure I am in the position to explain the hidden meaning behind this story that I wrote though it reflects on us and what we are sometimes. We can be our own monsters, being egoistic and selfish, thinking of no one but our own benefits. And when we do love someone, why don't we just take a step back to ask ourselves - What is the reason why I love this person or whatever? Why do I love this person or whatever? - It is just sad at times to think that even when it comes to love, we think only of ourselves. Why is that? Why do we do such things? Is it because we feel good? It is because it helps us in ways we know not? Well, I have nothing else to say or write, so I'm gonna end here. May God's blessing be upon our souls...

:: Understanding yourself is learning to accept the truth, accepting your weakness is learning to love ::

Unorganized Traffic?

2005-10-19T13:48:00.000+08:00

Do you drive? If you don't, you don't know how lucky you are... If you do, then you'll understand what I'm about to say. I was driving to Subang a few days ago (ok I know it's a little outdated but I have to rant about it somehow... SO HEAR ME RANT!) and decided to use the road right in front of Summit. I understand totally that by using that particular road, I'm exposing myself to the high possibility of getting myself stuck in traffic. I was willing to take my chance as the longest I've ever waited so far (before that day) was 10 mins to get over the bridge and I'm as good as free from totally insane traffic.

However, on that day... that particular day, there was traffic police meddling with the already bad traffic. And I didn't know that because I've never encountered any traffic police there at that point of time. Anyway, there I was at the first traffic lights (I have to get past 3 traffic lights to get away from traffic) and it was red, so naturally everyone wait for it to turn green. And there is really nothing else to do but wait. So I waited... and waited... and waited... and finally it's green... and I waited... and waited... and I wondered why am I still waiting to move at this point because it's been green for what seemed like almost a full minute. Then it turns yellow and red. And I'm STILL waiting. What goes on in my mind at that point was - "Oh come on, the traffic can't be THAT bad... there must be something else, an accident perhaps..." - and so I waited. Anyhow, I have counted and waited for so long that the traffic lights turned green 3 times already~!! Then it finally moved and I thought - "About time too..."

Behold, when I arrive at the traffic lights, I notice this traffic police waving his arms (note arm not hand...) frantically like some freak at a rock-concert. Anyway, I just drove on thinking that it should be ok now since we're moving... but then shortly (not far from the 1st set of traffic lights) the traffic seemed to slow down until it finally stopped... again. Ok at this point I was getting really annoyed because I waited for almost 15 minutes at the first traffic and this is only the 2nd. Still there is nothing I can do but wait... again!!

After another 15 mins of waiting (note: I was so pissed at this point that I really felt like getting down from the car walk to the traffic police and just scream into his brainless head) the traffic finally start to move again... Thankfully, the 3rd traffic lights there wasn't any traffic police and the traffic was smooth. I practically sat in the car for 30 mins just so I can get from point A to point B which has a distance of approximately 1 km or possibly less. This clearly shows the inefficiency in the way these traffic police are moving traffic. Instead of making it better and less painful for road users, they are actually creating traffic and making it more unbearable than it already is. Sheesh man... talk being about disorganized. When I finally arrived at my destination, it's already 5 mins to 6 I was 30 mins late from the time I expect to arrive.

:: When two lovers come together, they act like kids ::

Another Internet Quiz

2005-10-17T10:03:00.000+08:00

I got this from Lizzie's blog... was checking out everyone's blog and found this quiz rather interesting as it contains certain elements of truth about who I am and what I feel. So I thought it'd be rather cool to post this up! ^^ Enjoy!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Well, leave me your thoughts about that it says and how it's related to me... ^^ Till next time, God bless and take care, cheers~!

:: If love has a colour, then I am colour blind ::

Time Forgotten

2005-10-11T09:02:00.000+08:00

I realized recently that most of the time we're so caught up with the things that we have to do that we forgot about ourselves and what we want to do. It has always been "Oh no, I have to finish this up before the due date that is a month from now" or "Ah man... I have so many assignments to be completed". Day in and day out we rush with our assignments or to our work place or study place. Day in and day out we come back home tired yet we still have work to be done. Sometimes it seems never-ending. Well if you think about it, there is no ending to work and assignments - things that have to be done. Since when do we owe so much to the world that we seem to be a slave to what we do?

Some friends of mine that I know seemed so busy with their that they can't seem to spare a little time for themselves. It just seemed very sad that because of the things that we have to do, we forget who we are inside. Instead, we grow into someone whom we're not, someone that's blended into work so much that society seemed like a thing of the past. I used to be a very outgoing person... actually I still am. And because of things that are constantly dragging us along with it in our path we call life, the outdoors seemed a little scary sometimes. Specially when and if you read the papers everyday. You'll get news of people getting murdered everywhere and some of this murders seemed very random. The society isn't as safe as what it used to be anymore.

They say that people will change if and when they become more educated. And from the papers, if being more educated means more people dying, then from where I stand, I don't think that being more educated is that good. We might have more convinience in our daily life compared to the past, not to mention better food and a better home you can rest in. But people are getting more and more sickness and also grow to become more selfish with high self-indulgance. I noticed that more and more people are becoming completely oblivious to their surroundings. And that just sucks. Okay... this is not exactly what I wanted to write about and it's not going the direction that was intended... then again, isn't that what the world seemed to be doing too?

Till next time, God bless and take care! Cheers~!

:: Feelings are a part of how we grow ::

What Would You Do?

2005-10-06T11:03:00.000+08:00

I have been reading some random blog entries and found something that made me wonder. Well the thing is, we all have our beliefs and principles we hold on to. How strong we hold to this beliefs and principles depends on the individual. Unless we're proven wrong, which is quite rare, we will continue to hold on to what we believe is right and true. What I mean by beliefs is when there is no solid proof that what we believe in is true. If there is solid proof then it wouldn't be called beliefs, it would instead be called facts. Something like raw history where it's nothing but the truth. Anyway, what I've been wondering about is, what if one day, we found out that what we have always believe in is all a lie? What if our values and principles which we believe to be right and true is not right at all? What would we do then?

When we believe in something, there is a certain amount of faith that is needed. And faith is what holds our beliefs together. And if one day, that belief is somehow crushed because of solid facts would we still choose to believe what we always believed in or will we falter and lose faith? No matter what we choose there will be others who will choose differently. This brings up another question; what if the solid facts that shattered the very core of our beliefs is not really solid? Will we change our mind once again and choose to go back to what we once believe?

There is no right answer to this questions and again, like I mentioned earlier, no matter what we choose to believe in, there will be others who will choose differently. And because of this, the truth only exist in our minds. The truth is what we see and what we see is our mental representation of our surroundings. In other words, what is the truth? Is there really such thing as the truth? If the truth is already there, then why do people have different opinions on so many grounds and subjects? If the truth is really there, then why do people have different beliefs? Think about it, what if, what you always believe in is actually a lie? What if it is actually what you choose to see and belief? What if one day the veil that cover your eyes all these while is lifted and you finally found the truth? Will there be a chance of heart? Will there be a different mental representation of your surroundings? What would be different?

As for me, I belief that what I believe in is the truth. If you would like to prove me wrong, by all means go ahead. Unless you can prove me wrong I will continue to stand on the grounds which I believe is and has always been the solid truth. Do you understand fully what I just wrote? If you do that's good. On the other hand, are you confused over what I just wrote? If you are, that's even better, because, it shows that you are learning. You don't understand what I wrote yet you're not confused? Then you don't really care and honestly I don't know why you bother reading this at all, but I've succesfully taken up least 30 seconds of your time. Till next entry, God bless and take care~!

:: The truth is what our mind chooses to see; our mental representation of our surroundings ::

Why Do People Stare?

2005-09-28T21:30:00.000+08:00

I just had the most interesting evening today in college. I was actually there to hand in my assignment which is due and on the way there, when, I noticed a not-major-at-all accident and to my amusement I found that many cars started to slow down to what else but stare at the obviously very shocked driver that has a blank look in his face... or was that a her? Anyway, I ignored the incident and went on my merry way to college.

When I arrived, I was sort of in a hurry to get to the artshop to bind my not-so-thick assignment. On the way there, a girl (happened right in front of me), who was carrying a huge model of something, fell. Yes fell! And again, to my amusement, people around her just stop dead on thier paths just to look at what happened without even considering helping the poor girl who's at this point really embarrassed and was quickly picking up her stuffs.I wanted to help but when I got there she seemed to have gotten everything and no harm done. So I continued my journey to the money-sucking-mosquito-like artshop.

It was then I begin to wonder why do people stare at other people who seem to have gotten into some sort of calamity or have fallen into some kind of misfortune. Don't they know better than to stare? Hello, we are civilized people! And civilized people don't do stuffs like that. Besides unfortunate things can happened to anyone and do anyone actually consider the possibility that the same thing happened to them? Or what if they are that person at the moment? Some people are just plain rude and unhelpful.

Well nothing much more to write. So till next post... God bless and take care ya'll~!

:: Knowing the value of life is unfortunate ::

If I could, I Surely Would

2005-09-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

If I could, I would catch a wishing star
Though I know that it is very far
Above the heavens where the moon is bright
It shines softly with it's heavenly light

If I could, I would share my wished with you
To make your skies above forever blue
Take away all your childhood fears
And to always be there to kiss away your tears

If I could, I would try to make you smile
And make it travel for over a mile
Hoping that it'll be spread along the way
Like a contagious disease every single day

If I could, I would be there whenever you fall
Pick you up and make you feel forever tall
Help you along all tribulations that you see
Even if I have to fly accross the great blue sea

If I could, I would give you wings
With it I'll show you many things
All around the world we'll surely go
So just relax and move along with the flow

If I could, I would like to watch you grow
Answer your questions when you do not know
I'll also be there to lend you my ear
So all you troubles I'll also hear

If I could, I would wak you down the street
Stop by at Coffee Beans, it'll be my treat
Tell you some jokes while we drink
And give you some riddles to make you think

If I could, I would make you treasure this time
And try to make it forever rhyme
As I look deep into your soft brown eyes
It somehow reminds me of the heavenly skies

If I could, I would make you see
That together we're meant to be
As long as our love is patient and kind
We'll continue to respond with an open mind

If I could, I would say "I love you" again and again
Though I know there is really nothing to gain
Do you know that if I could
Then I surely would

--Mark--
*All copyrights reserved @ Mark Ong ~ 2005*

That's a little something I wrote sometime back but never posted it.

:: I believe that I can fly, but only if the law of physics are not in my way ::

Unpredictable Life

2005-09-06T11:46:00.000+08:00

I was driving home yesterday when I started wondering what would life be if I actually followed my long life dreams - to study medicine. Though I know that it's not going to happen anytime soon, I still wonder what would be different from my current way of living and my perspective of life. I wonder also the type of people I'll meet and the places I'll go. How would I spend my time and would I be happy. I don't know why but I strongly sense that God wanted me to be on the path that I'm currently at. I have my own goals and dreams. My ultimate dream is to help those who are unfortunate and I thought that by going into med school, I'll be capable of doing that. Of course there are other ways to help people like that. And at this moment, I begin to wonder how is it possible for me to actually help others who are unfortunate when I'm not even capable of handling my own problems.

Many times, people I've met in life will tell me that I've impacted their life in ways that I cannot even imagine. I was happy then. But now I'm beginning to wonder how did I actually impacted their lives? What did I do? Is the impact a positive or a negative one? Life is so unpredictable at times. I know that everyone is destined for greatness. But I seemed to have gotten myself lost on the way there. Someone told me a long time ago that I must find the passion in what I do to achieve greatness. Maybe that is the problem, I haven't found my passion yet. Maybe that's how I got myself lost. Or maybe because I have interest in too many things I cannot find my true passion. I love science. I love arts. I love inventing something new. I love creating theories that might sound unlogical because of current technology but might actually be true. I love sports. I love music. Of the things that I love, the only thing that I'm not really good at is music.

Like I mentioned earlier, life is unpredictable and we all know that. It's really easy to plan everything that you want for the future but to get there ain't easy. I wish sometimes that life is more predictable but if it is, life would be downright boring. So what do I really want in this unpredictable life of mine? That's simple. I still want to achieve my ultimate goal of helping the unfortunate because I know life is unpredictable. So I haven't lost sight of my aim in life afterall even though I took another path, I must get there. People are depending on me (where have I heard this before?) and I can't afford to let them down. What about you? What do you want in your unpredictable life? What is your ultimate goal?

Till the next post which would be unpredictaible, God bless and take care friends!!

:: The range of what we think is limited by what we failed to notice. And because we failed to notice that we failed to notice, there is little that we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice actually shape our thoughts and deeds - R. D. Laing ::

Boy Meets Girl

2005-09-02T23:27:00.000+08:00

I just realized that introducing oneself to the opposite sex that is a total stranger is so freaking embarassing. Took me long enough to figured that out aye? What happened today was actually totally unexpected even by me. I really didn't know what came over me and I don't really know if it's actually the smartest or the stupidest I've ever done introducing myself to someone whom I've been eyeing from a distance since the beginning of this year that is a total stranger. However, I do know that it's probably one of the most bravest and most embarassing thing I've ever done in my life and I hope it's not going to happen again. EVER~!

Honestly, I really can't seem to bring myself to understand how it is even possible for some people to actually do things like that all the time. I may seem like a really noisy guy and outgoing and all that. But deep inside me, I'm actually a really shy person who is somewhat reserved in many ways. You might think that I'm old-minded and that is totally fine with me because I agree that in some ways I am. I believed that what the old people do or the way they think sometimes hold wisdom that we all can learn from. However, I do always keep an open mind to the modern world that I live in.

Anyway, people do things that are crazy when they're feelings are uncertain. I believe also that I'm not the only one who did something so embarassing and unexpected. Personally I don't know what goes in her mind at that point of time but if it were me, I'll probably be terrified of that person. So this is how the "Boy Meets Girl" world goes - total embarassment. I'll bare that in mind. Anyway, I better not go on about what else happened as I don't want the entire world to know how I embarassed myself. ><

Till next time, God bless and take care!!

:: Boldness has GENIUS, POWER, and MAGIC in it ::

Brainless Smokers

2005-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

The titles says it all doesn't it? I seriously hate smokers. Okay, maybe not all except for those who are seriously brainless. What kinda smokers are under this category? Well, why don't I lay it down for you.

These brainless smokers are the type of people who serious do not think of others except for their freaking rotting lungs. Don't get me wrong there, they are so eager to get tar into their lungs that they can't even find a proper place where no living being is around to do their disgusting habit.

I had the previledge to actually see a group of guys, YES GUYS, who obviously think that they are really cool standing right in front of the entrance making as much noice as they can to draw attention while smoking their life away. Can't these brainless people actually smoke somewhere where there is actually less people? Or are they really so uneducated that you have to tell them in their ugly faces? Some people are just so freaking vain.

The worst part is, there was supposedly a no-smoking sign somewhere there but apparently went missing. I kinda assume that the sign suddenly just sprout legs and ran off for it's life. I was actually wondering why didn't the management in LUCT actually do something like provide a freaking smoking room for idiots who wants to die fast so that they can die faster? I'm sure that everyone will be really happy that way. Smokers get what they want and non-smokers don't have to bear with secondary smoking in campus.

Since we're at the topic of smoking, I always wondered, what is so cool about smoking anyway? If shortening your life span is considered cool why don't they just go take drugs or just safe the dough and commit suicide and save everyone the trouble. If I have 3 wishes, my first will be banned any kind of smoking on earth, if anyone caught doing so, they'll be hanged to death. A little too much? On the contrary, I think it's better that way. They get what they want - to die faster - and we (non-smokers) get what we want - fresh air.

Okay, I know that I'm just ranting about something that probably doesn't make any sense. But that is just what I feel like doing and you can't do shit about it. It's my blog. Don't like it? Then get lost! Till next time, take care!

:: Sometimes, people just don't know what the meaning of love is, until it just happens ::

Diamonds Are Forever?

2005-08-20T14:57:00.000+08:00

The sun is a mixture of red and orange, dipping below the horizon, where the sky and the sea seem to meet. Jason swallows his anxiety, and makes a decision: now is the time. He sinks awkwardly down to one knee, and looks up at his beloved Miranda, her hair billowing delicately in the breeze. He fumbles for something in his pocket, his face scrunching into a half-smile. He pulls it out, steadying his grip so that Miranda can see it. She gasps, her hand moving to her mouth. It is a proposal ring, its tiny solitaire diamond shimmering in the dying sunlight.

Udi is 14 years old. Like other teenagers in his village, he should be spending time with his friends and playing football. Instead, he is lying on a filthy mattress in a makeshift tent, his eyes darting wearily across the ceiling. His face is a mishmash of blood-soaked bandages. Underneath them, he has no lips and no ears. They were sliced off by a swinging machete when he refused to rape his own mother. Now, raising his arms with a soft grunt, he sees stumps where his hands should be. A traumatized sob starts from his chest and spreads to the rest of his tiny frame. Shaking badly, a plan forms in his mind. When he gathers the strength, he will make his way to the village well and drown himself. Living like this is not living at all.

Tears of joy slide down Miranda’s cheeks. Half a world away, a young boy sheds tears of despair. She will never know him, nor will he ever know her, but they share a powerful connection. Miranda now wears the diamond that Udi originally mined for his captors.

Did you know that this is probably a true story? I didn't write this myself but read it somewhere and thought it to be interesting and decided to post it up. If you want to know the whole story behind the story, please proceed to click here.
It's a very interesting read and will probably make u think twice about diamonds. Anyway till next time, God bless and take care.

:: A true friend will walk the extra mile with you just because you don't want to hop the fence ::

The Return Of Mark

2005-08-17T21:44:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking for the past couple of weeks or possibly more about a lot of things and one thing that I have discovered is that I'm no longer holding on to some of the things that makes me who I really am. I have somehow blended into the environment and changed colours so many times and each time it's according to my surroundings. Like a chameleon I hide my true self. It's true that some things I did in the past will bring down my image of who I'm supposed to be and who I really am. And because of the world and the environment that I have come to lived in, I have become someone whom I promised myself I will not be a long time ago. I've become so self absorb, so selfish in my own way that I care and think about nothing but myself. I agree that more often than not I've also become vain in my own way. And all these is because of my pride that has been growing ever since I left Form 5. I never thought that I'll come face to face with the word defeat. I never thought that I'll lose to anything or anyone as long as I put all my soul and heart in it.

However, the past 3 years of my failed education (because I'm indecisive) I've finally come to learn that I'm happy as I am and I should always be who I'm suppose to be. I'm putting down my mask and my pride and everything that I have now to let myself out. I'm just as ordinary as anyone else. Yes, I might have the ability to learn and absorb really fast. I might be able to create something or get an idea really fast but that is just me. I'm still special in my own way and I don't want to be ashame of who I am. I think that some of you, specially those who are really close to me, might realized that something about me is not right since the holidays. The DNCs that I got might not entirely be my fault but I have to accept it as my responsibility and so I'm taking the blame. I know that I've become less and less responsible for the past few years. And now, I've finally decided to return to who I'm suppose to be. Some of you might find it a little strange and some might not notice anything at all. But there'll definately be a change. From now on, I'm taking charge of my life and I'm going all out. I might have goals yet to be fulfilled. I might have things yet undone. And I'll put my all in completing what I started.

For those of you whom I have hurt emotionally, I truly am sorry. I know that I have not done the right thing and I really hope that things will be back to normal though I know it won't be exactly the same it's okay with me. I know it's a little too late for that now, but I still have to say it. I know it took me really long to come to my senses but I'm glad I did in the end. I haven't even been treating my parents right recently. I get easily agitated ever since the beginning of the year. I might have done a lot of things wrong and I know it all. But during that time, like I mentioned earlier, my pride has somehow taken over and I refuse to accept it. Now, I have to accept everything I do/did like how I did from semester 1 more than a year ago. Again, I truly am sorry. I hope and pray that somehow those that I have hurt or offended will find a place in their heart to forgive me. I totally understand if you can't. Anyway, that is all for now. I have to go as I have other obligations that needs my attention.

Till next time, God bless and take care...

Dear God, I thank you Lord Father for this day that you have blessed me that I may learn the value of self respect. I thank you for the friends that you have showered my life with. I thank you for the light that you continue to shine upon the path that I have chosen without fail. I thank you for your guidance and teachings that I may be a better person. I know that I may have doubted you more often than not. Even so, deep within me, unconciously I still love you as my God, Father, Teacher, and Friend. I pray that You will continue to guide me in my life and this time let me shine your light unto others as I have a long time ago. Teach me what I need to know. Grant me strength in times of need that I may continue my journey. Grant me patience that I may have the ear to listen to others. Grant me wisdom that I may understand others and what is right or wrong. Grant me courage that I may put what you have taught me to use. I thank You again for your love for me and for being there when I needed serenity. I thank you again for the peace that you have given me and the answers to the questions I asked. In Jesus name, Amen!

:: People change when they find they're true value and self respect - that's where humbleness comes in ::

OH MY GOSH~!

2005-08-16T19:18:00.000+08:00

I'm really amazed at how a guy lecturer can be worst than a nagging mom. After about 4 weeks of classes I thought that the situation would change but apparently I stand corrected this very afternoon. Ok before I go on, I think that an introduction to my lecturer is a must. He's name is Mr. Andrew and he speaks really slow (about 1 word per sec). If you don't think that is slow try it yourself (it's pretty hard for me). Anyway, he was going on and on about the referencing that we have to show in our report for about 45 mins and he got himself confused and ended up saying something really dumb - "In your reference list, you have to have your reference list" (Lam A. 2005) - OH MY GOSH~!! I couldn't help it but laughed at that sentence. Apparently, some people were so lost listening to him that they missed it.

Anyway, the lecturer is seriously killing me in the class. I'm dying from listening to him repeating over and over again the things that he said. >_<" ~ "Gahhh!!". Then there is a part where he explained about the cover page and title page. In the cover page there was a part where we're suppose to put in the subject and in the title page there is a part where you put in the title. And apparently he said that subject and title is the same thing. Now we all know that subject is the current subject or module you are taking and the title would be the title of your report. However, he told us to put in the title twice - once in the subject and the other in the title area. Now what kind of idiot would let a guy who obviously don't really know what he is doing teach students like us? Either, he's lost and confused himself or the person who hired him is blind.

From what I know and observed so far, the quality of education students are getting nowadays are really bad compared to the olden times. It seems that either the lecturers are either getting dumber or the students smarter. I'll let you choose. I know that I've actually teach my teacher in Form 5 (year 11) Physics because she has no idea what she's actually teaching us. Apparently she really has passion for the subject but somehow I think passion is just not enough. You have to have confidence to go all out and enthusiasm to perform in whatever you do. Everyone thinks that hard work will get you to where you are. I agree. But hardwork can only bring you thru half the journey. The other half depends on yourself and your passion and love of the work.

Anyway, I have nothing much to write about at the moment. So I'll just stop here before I stop blabbering about nothing (which in fact, I already am). God bless and take care ya'll~! ^^

:: Do you know who you are and your purpose on earth? ::

Haze Crazed

2005-08-12T13:46:00.000+08:00

Just wondering, did anyone actually realized that every year it's the same thing? Indonesia will have some kind of bush fire that was supposedly "uncontrollable" and every freaking year the government of Malaysia have to sent firemen to help control the fire. Honestly, what the fuck (mind the english here) is the government of Indonesia doing? Throwing their freaking responsibility to others? Hey! IF YOU FREAKS OF INDONESIA GOVERNMENT HAPPENED TO READ THIS!! PLEASE FUCKING CLEAN YOUR OWN SHIT AND ACT (IF YOU CAN'T BE) MORE CIVILIZED!

Honestly, the haze is not only getting worst by the season but actually affecting the health of citizens in Malaysia and the animals here to. It's another thing if they don't fucking care about their citizen's health but at least think about other countries around them. Oh sorry, I forgot they don't freaking have brains in their fucked up heads so they can't actually care for their citizens or any other countries! Actually they don't fucking know what the meaning of the word is in the first place. I'm not just critisizing the fucked up country (sorry to be saying this but seriously) but all they could do is just say sorry. Well, in case no one knows, sometimes just saying sorry ain't good enough and it won't be unless something is done about it.

Think about it, if it's Malaysia who is having the bush fire problems and the winds are blowing it to Indonesia, do you think that they will even bother send firemen in attempt to help us stop the fire? HELL NO!! And why not? Well, again think about it, if they can't actually take care of their citizens then how can they even be bothered to do anything elsewhere? They just do not have the capability to do it. Seriously, controlled burning is one thing, but purposedly setting up the fire (to clear the land for agriculture purposes) and claiming it to be a bush fire cause of extreme heat and dry weather is total bullshit. Come on, you guys can do better than that!

Just a thought I have that I have to go ranting about in my blog. If you don't like it then just fuck off. No one asked you to read it anyway.

:: A fool will make conclusions only from what he sees without attempting to first understand it ::

:: Sotong Out Of Water ::

Christmas Season... Again!!

Stalked By A Stranger...

Engrrish As It Was Spoken

Cannot Sleep

Introducing... SOTONG!!

A New Beginning... Coming Soon...

Judging Myself

In Remembrance of A Cute Character

Ignorance Is Bliss?

Where is my heart?

My Past Comes Knocking

Child Abuse

Hurting In Silence

Different...

And So It Goes...

Love Again?

Before I Let You Go

A Creed for Self-Discipline

Happy Ending - Mika

Things I Hate About People

What I'd Give

Closed doors

On Friends And Sorts

Christmas Time Again

About Loyalty

What Kind Of Person Am I?

End Of The Year

Love Is...

To The One I Once Called, My Love

Reflecting On The Words Of The Experienced

Randomness!

About Love

On Responsibility And Commitment

Site Office Design

Complexity In Minimalism

The Rose

Strange Dream I Had

When Friendship Fails To Work

God's Hand At Work? - When We Bleed Inside

Why So Serious? - A Reflection of the Past

Meeting with Adam

Stronger Person or Harden Hearts?

Who Am I?

Goodbye...

Love or Infactuation? - Part 2

Memories Of My Poetic Past

What Should My Answer Be?

If I could, I surely would

My One True Love

Turn The Other Cheek

Love or Infatuation? - Part 1

Once In A Not So Long Ago

"My Happy Ending"

Change of Time

Letting Her Go

Heart Broken

I Love Her So Much But I Don't Know Why

Movies Week

What Have I Been Up To?

Disagreements And Misunderstandings

~*poke poke*~

When Shit Happens

Friends and Time

Time

Good Mood Turned Bad

When Things Go Wrong

Meaning of Life?

Time Grows Short... Yet Again

When Time Grows Short

Amazing moments

RANT~!

Tired

Right or Wrong Ethic?

Why Do You Go To Church?

Friends

A Past That Haunts

Days In China 2

Starry BBQ Night

Days In China

~poke poke~